Overwhelmed.

I cannot begin to tell you how much all of your emails and comments have meant to me. I read each and every one of them, and every one of them helped more than I can say. (And yet I'm still sadder than I've ever been. This seems mathematically impossible, but my emotions are terrible at math.)

Right now I'm feeling a lot of things, and soon enough I will write long and confused posts about this bizarre rollercoaster ride I'm on, but first I wanted to say thank you. To all of you out there, and to those close to home. I have an amazing family who have rallied around me, parents who came and cried with me and made dinner and cleaned my refrigerator, friends who visited and sent gifts and let me cry all over them and took Henry on extended playdates. I have an impossibly sweet boy who has remained, I am pleased to say, mostly oblivious to what's going on. (Although this morning he pointed out that I haven't played with him in months. I have some serious catching up to do.) And I have the greatest husband of all time. (Sorry, ladies, but I win.) And if I say anything more about how much he's done for me, I'll start crying again, and sheesh, my mascara is already messed up enough. (Yes, I applied mascara this morning. I had this delusion that today maybe I wouldn't cry. Ha ha! HAAArggh hmm.)

More later.

Comments

[Momo Fali]

I was the bitch, who when told a woman had miscarried, said, "Aw. That's too bad." And, I barely meant it. Clueless schmuck. Then, my best friend miscarried last Fall and it ripped me to shreds. I felt their pain...their loss. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

You are a champion for sharing this with us. Your words will help so many women know they're not alone.

[gwendomama]

have the margarita.

the same thing happened to me. but at 10 wks no more nausea, then 2 wks of waiting to bleed.

i am so so so sorry.

have the double margarita.

[Nadia]

It will hit you at the strangest times. There is nothing more heartbreaking than to embrace a new life and have it suddenly gone. I still mourn my lost ones.

[Laney]

De-lurking to extend my sympathies.

I've been there and it is awful. I am truly sorry for your loss.

[jules]

Sending lots of love & support.

[Pretty Lush]

It's strange that in the worst of times, we see what incredible networks we have. But it's better than not being reminded.

[Tanya]

As I was reading your post, and trying to think of something to say. I heard my upstairs neighbour fart in the bath.
I lost my words then. Hope you are doing better in the coming days, and you realise how fortunate you are not to have a gassy neighbour who likes baths.

[cartoongoddess]

Just getting to your post now. I am so sorry Alice. Many hugs and prayer for you and your family.

Lauren

[Sarah]

I am so so sorry for your loss.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

So glad you have loads of real live breathing folks to help you out and give you love. I can only send you my thoughts and support, but I can't clean your refrigerator.

If you believe in angels, you have one looking over you for always.

[Dawn]

My first miscarried pregnancy had a due date of April 8.

1988.

Not a year has passed that I don't notice the passing of that date. I'm not sad about it anymore, but I've never forgotten.

It takes time and lots of tears to "get over" something like this. I'm glad you have such a loving family supporting you.

[sara]

alice,
we like you. we really really like you.
hugs and good wishes and many kleenexes,
S.

[miep]

Alice, i have kept checking back every day, sometimes two or three times, to see if you've sent up a signal. Your blog has meant a lot to me over the last few years, and though the likelihood of our meeting in "real life" is pretty damned small, I found myself saying, "a friend had a miscarriage this week, and I'm really sad for her."

so there it is. You're my friend, even if you didn't know it, and I'm thinking of you and Henry and Scott and feeling like a big stalker and a bigger dork.

but I think raccoon eyes are cool.

[Jessica]

All I can say is I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't even know you, but my heart goes out to you and your family in such a way you cannot imagine... Many hugs to you!

[Marti]

Alice,

I've so enjoyed your blog for several years, but I've never before posted (I'm very much a wallflower). I was so sad to read of your loss that I wanted you to know that you've got healing hug vibes coming from Chicago. I had a miscarriage in December of '06, and my heart hurt so much. My heart hurts for you. Take time to allow yourself to feel all that it needs to feel. Then, let the sunshine pour on your face.

[Laura]

Alice,
Thank you for sharing this part of your life, along with all the funny stuff. Having several good friends who've suffered miscarriages in the last year, I think one of the strangest things is the layer of secrecy that seems to shroud this all-too-common tragedy. Each of my girlfriends was shocked to learn how common miscarriage actually is, because no one talks about it. I can understand the desire to grieve privately, and I see how that might be the best path for some people. At the same time, I wish more people shared their stories openly like you are, so other women would know they were not alone, that they were not the only ones to go through something like this. Thank you for adding to the dialogue.

[Kelley]

Sweetie, my girls witnessed too many of these times until I had Boo. My eldest was 7 when Boo was born. Recently I talked to them about it and they have no memory of it. Kids are resilient. He will be fine. Take care of you.

[Anonym]

you are sooo loved and cared for....put the mascara down and just let yourself be and feel everything...

[Karianna]

When I read your news I felt as though someone were pushing down on my head so that I felt very heavy, drawn into the ground. It is rare that I feel a literal "sinking feeling," but I definitely did with your previous post. It speaks of pain but is unbelievably written, as your posts always are, so I feel that I am living right there in your words.

I remember the fear all too well. And the crushing news of friends and family.

It seems so insufficient to say anything because grief has its own timeline, but I wish you and your family well.

[samantha]

When I miscarried (twins, again), I felt feelings that I'd never had before. Deep, dark sadness.

I wish you joy tonight.

There is a good community I found at Fertility Ties (http://www.fertilityties.com) that has been where you and I have been.

All the best.

[wzgirl]

A distant friend - I send loving hugs.

xo

[C-Rah]

The tears help cleanse you. Don't worry about the mascara for a while. It'll be there waiting for your lashes when the times right. Take one day at at time. It's truly courageous of you to share this time and pain with us.

[shell]

Alice, I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, 6 years ago, and still cry about it from time to time. Don't limit your grief, CRY, MOURN, let it out. You have suffered a tremendous loss that can't be forgotten in just a few weeks. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Take care of yourselves.

[Jane]

Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs. You continue to be an inspiration to me even in times of unthinkable sorrow.

[Veronica]

I recommend the Slate series. I've lost two babies at 8 weeks, and the 6 articles in this series touch on so much of what I've felt and been through. I highly recommend reading them.
And I agree with everyone else who says not to stop crying too soon. I did that and it all came back stronger a few months later. Cry as long as you need to.

And start building up a wall against the "it's better this way/it's Nature's way of dealing with it/there must have been something wrong with the baby," comments. They are the worst, but unfortunately the most common.

[Carrie]

As my 4-year-old would say, why don't we just dig this right into the ground? As in, burn that shit up. We're thinking of you here in Chicago, Alice.

[Domestic Spaz]

I just found your blog and you have me in tears. I am so incredibly sorry for what you are enduring. I can't imagine your pain.

[Michelle]

I have thought about you many times since your sad news. I have so many friends who have gone through this, and in particular while trying to have a second child. Let yourself be sad, and give your husband and son a triple serving of hugs, and let yourself be hugged too. So sorry.

[hi kooky]

Hi Alice,

I haven't stood in your shoes, but I'm a mom and I think that what you're going through must be extremely difficult. No doubt. I think your reaction shows that you care deeply. I'm glad you've got lots of support. I'll say a prayer for comfort.

(On a selfish note, I'm majorly glad to see you're writing again. And also, considering you have beautiful eyes and dark hair, I think you should totally forget the mascara for now.)

[Sharon]

As a coworker of mine said to me the first time it happened to us, "Welcome to a new kind of normal."

Sorry to hear you've joined that club.

[SparklieSunShine]

I missed the post yesterday...I am so so sorry. This breaks my heart. My thoughts are with you and your family. :(

[Lisa V]

Alice I've been thinking of you. Not only is your heart broken and dreams dashed, but those damn hormones crashing just fuck with you so much. It's such a shitty place.

I used to listen to Reba McIntyre (sp?) and drive around and cry. Not safe, not deep, but theraputic.

I'm really sorry.

[Karen]

I can't even re-read your earlier post, it makes me so sad. So I can imagine that your grief is exponential light-years as much, how could it not be? I admire your incredible courage in being public with your pain.

If you're into spiritual reincarnational explanations for why painful sucky things happen sometimes, I do that sort of thing and can recommend others as well.

Thanks for this gift of yourself you're giving even through your pain. Wow.

[Mom101]

Leave it to you to find the silver linings - the husband being a big one and the refrigerator...well, that's pretty big too.

This too shall pass.

[rebecca]

Delurking to say,Just keep holding on. It does get better, though the road is tough. Please give yourself permission to grieve...you need it. It has been almost 2 months since I lost my baby, and though it still feels like it just happened sometimes, the pain has lessened considerably. my heart is with you.

[Tara-Lynn]

I am glad you have such a good support system. Take care of yourself.

[Karyn]

Nothing to say....just hugs.

[R.]

The Slate article was helpful, but it brought back the anger. I was so dumb. Literally. Just kept my mouth shut. Didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything, so no one said anything, so I got mad because no one cared, so I didn't say anything, so I got mad...endless loop.

You, as usual, are splendidly expressive.

Hundreds of years and several children later, I still miss that first lost child. Ok, not quite hundreds. More like twenty. We really do love each and every baby we have individually. Awesome, this maternal love. It is worth the pain to experience this fierce love.

[Optimist]

Sending you blessings and understanding.

I love your writing - thanks for sharing with us.

xoxo

[kim]

we recently ran into the (then) first year resident who couldn't find our nearly 15 week (first) baby's heart. i can't tell you how wonderful- and hard- it was to tell her we have two kids now.

been down that dark way. just keep going straight, it clears farther along.

and work the refrigerator cleaners for all they're worth ;)

so sorry for your loss.

[Rae]

Hey, first time reader here after I read your article in WonderTime.

For what it's worth, I'm a week past my D&C, and haven't cried since... Monday? Well, not more than my eyes welling up before I can blink it all back, anyway. There's a line in a song that's been stuck in my head today - 'it still does hurt, just not as long,' that comes close to summing it up for me.

Your story was nearly identical to mine, just a week or two later. I'm so sorry it's happening to you; I've never been through anything harder. Even though I've only known about your (fantastic) writing for a few hours, it breaks my heart to read this. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better, or that isn't really awkward, but I'm sorry it happened, and I'm sending up prayers and good thoughts on your behalf. Be gentle with yourself.

[K]

Alice,

I cried for months after my first miscarriage. After the miscarriage, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and nearly killed me. It was utterly devastating. Most surprisingly, to everyone, including us, I then went on to have 3 naturally conceived children--including a set of twins! I love my children with every fiber of my being, but I will never forget the pain of the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. I still think of those babies and mourn for them.

I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts. Brighter days are ahead. Blessings.

K

[G]

I am so sorry that you aren't being given the peace to mourn and to rationalize grief in any way that you want, that others are hijacking your words to explain their own griefs. Their hypersensitivity will always be there: your words were not offensive and I am sorry for the intrusion.

[Lauxa]

We have been camping for a week with no internet so I just read your update. Just wanted to check in to extend my sympathies and let you know I am thinking of you.

[Shamelessly Sassy]

I'm terribly late with this comment. Mostly because I don't know what to say sometimes in situations of the sort. But I'm delurking from my usual just plain stalking, i mean reading, to say that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Also, knowing someone who will clean your refrigerator is amazing. No joke. If someone cleaned mine, no matter what the situation was..I'd owe them. Mostly I'd owe them because they'd catch something from it. Anyway, as the person in the comment above me said in such a lovely manner, I am here to extend my sympathies.

[Jen]

I am so, so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I can't give any advice or platitudes, but I can tell you that the new Clinique mascara is utterly tear proof. Feel free to mourn your awesome baby genius and wear makeup at the same time. I realize this probably sounds like an ad, but it's all I could think of to say in the face of something so sad.