Here is a story for you.

We begin with Alice, walking her dog, listening to her iPod. Not bothering anyone. Turning the corner, she sees a small, furry blur rushing toward them. A dog, a comically tiny dog, is running out of a backyard, and headed right for Charlie. It's trailing a leash, so she figures the owner must be somewhere behind it.

Charlie, who is not a lover of other dogs, promptly freaks, attempting to get as far away from the other dog as his leash will allow. Alice tries to continue on, but the dog follows. Where is the owner? No one is showing up to explain why this puffball of a dog is free to accost the general public. The dog, whom Alice has named Teeny, appears to want to play, but the playing is taking the form of nippy neck-lunges. Charlie assumes that the dog wants to tear open his carotid. Unable to make a run for it, he finds himself running in frantic circles around Alice. Teeny follows. Yay! Fun times! thinks Teeny. (Actually, Teeny is probably thinking "tththththththththththththth" because Teeny has a brain no bigger than a nail clipping.) Having grabbed Teeny's leash, Alice is now thoroughly tangled. Her earphone cord somehow gets involved with the leashes. It's chaos. "Hello?" Alice calls out to the empty street. "Whose, uh, dog is this?"

Charlie backs away and slips out of his collar, freeing himself, and darts into the street. Teeny tries to follow. Alice screams for him to return, but he's no fool. And go back to that tiny scrabbly thing who wants at his precious neck parts? No thank you. He can still be seen at the far end of the block, peeing on a bush, eyeing that hateful tiny thing. Alice lets go of Teeny's leash and runs toward Charlie, but of course Teeny gets there first, causing Charlie to run farther away and cower behind a tree. Before both dogs run to the next town, Alice grabs Teeny's leash. She attempts to get Charlie to return to her using her most forceful tone of voice, and somehow he falls for it. Now she's managed to slip his collar back on him! Bet you didn't think that was going to happen! Meanwhile Teeny lunges and yaps and Charlie shrieks in horror. Someone's growling. Her? The dogs? Hard to say. She holds both dogs as far away as possible from each other. Now what?

There are at least two more minutes of Teeny lunging for Charlie and Charlie running in circles and Alice getting caught up in both leashes. There must be a smart way to solve this problem , Alice keeps thinking, I should be able to triumph over a dog who is the size of my fist. Is there anywhere to tie up Charlie for the time being? There is not. So she gets both dogs onto the porch of the house from where Teeny may or may not have come, and rings the doorbell. A larger dog barks and scrabbles at the front door. Charlie looks at Alice, as if to say, Are you inviting that dog out, too, because if you are I don't think I can live much longer.

She rings the doorbell. And rings again. Teeny tries to go for Charlie's neck one more time, and he lets out this mournful howl, as if he's calling out I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. So Alice ties Teeny to a bench on the front porch of the house, and Alice and Charlie make their way back home. And either the owner of that house will arrive home and think, excellent, I see my evil tiny dog got out to wreak havoc yet again, or else, who left that curiously noisy koosh ball tied to my porch?

Comments

[Barbara]

I like the ending where Teeny lives far, far away and someone just came home to an utterly alien, mad-assed dog tied to their porch.

[PJ]

I am so glad that someone else has a dog who is afraid of dogs! My dog is only afraid of little tiny dogs, and it is hilarious to watch him cower behind us at the sight of a dog a fifth of his size.

[Amanda]

My dog (65 lb lab mix) loves other dogs...until they bark. Then suddenly the 4 lb Pomeranian from down the street becomes a bloodthirsty killer that Sully must use all of her (suddenly super) strength to get away from.

Dogs are crazy! Smart doesn't always beat crazy, so glad to hear that the power of the human mind prevailed.

[Abacaxi Mamao]

I remember koosh balls!

[Jamie]

"Curiously noisy koosh ball" -- ha! That was the best part of the whole story.

[De in D.C.]

And of course Teeny couldn't have had a tag with an address conveniently printed on it because that have been, you know, convenient and all.

As someone who has a dog that has occasionally been known to go for walks by herself around the neighborhood (usually when her mom forgets to close the back door, umm... oops?), I appreciate when people bring her home. I'm sure Teeny's owner will feel the same way. If they are Teeny's owner.

[ozma]

This story reminds me of a time I found a dog very late on a cold night roaming the street. The SWEETEST DOG in the world. The phone number on her collar was disconnected. I went to the address very early in the morning and tied her to the porch. I don't know if that was the right thing but my landlord would not allow dogs.

Sounds like Teeny is not the kind of dog you will be thinking about years later, like 'whatever happened to that Teeny?' But I still think about this dog.

[amyz5]

great story. i once opened my front door to find a UPS post it from the local driver. it said, "dog in street, put her in yard". isn't it wonderful to live in a neighborhood where the delivery guys know your pets?

[Kelsey]

I just about wet my pants laughing. I love that you just tied the little dog to a porch! A better choice than leaving her in the street, for sure. Won't it drive you crazy not knowing the full ending to your own story???

[Jenn C.]

oh my, but that was a funny story. I hope that was the home of the teeny black dog, or there are going to be some very confused people coming home tonight.

[Amy]

That's a GREAT story! I have a boxer and large mutt and ran into a similar "koosh ball" on one of our neighborhood walks. The encounter turned out so badly we've now changed our walking route so to avoid the owners of said "ball."

[Megan]

I used to have a 120 lb. Rottweiler/Dalmation mix badass-lookin' beast dog. He was terrified of other dogs, who were magnetically drawn to him. From loose chihuahuas to stray St. Bernards, we were constantly followed around by dogs who wanted to love him so hard...which only exacerbated his terror. I love loner dogs.

[jenny]

"curiously noisy koosh ball" just made me laugh so hard I peed my pants a little and woke up my husband. oops.

[clarabella]

I will not regale you with my million and a half dog run-in stories, but just tell you that when I read that twitter, I read "Henry" instead of "Charlie" and have been worried about your poor, traumatized child since then. Now I am worried about your poor, traumatized dog and your poor, traumatized self.

[Rachael]

Is it mean for me to hope that the person has the koosh ball reaction because that's hilarious?

[Jen]

GOod job leaving that sucker for someone else to deal with!

Stupid lame-ass koosh-ball!

[Anne Prince]

This could only happen to you Alice!!!

I didn't know Charlie was scared of dogs. Maybe that why he and Pinto get along so well as Pinto is equally scared as well - perhaps their fears cancel each others out.

[Sarah]

I hope the people who live house you left the dog at aren't on vacation!

[erika]

For some reason, I thought you were talking about Henry (even though you clearly stated Charlie) and taking him for a walk. I kept getting more and more confused - why is Henry on a leash? Why does he have a collar? HA!

[DM]

My co-worker just came over to check on me because she was sure I was having a seizure after listening to the strange snorting/choking noises coming from my cubicle. This was the best story ever.

[Angie]

I thought for sure you were going to tell us they tangled you all up, you fell and broke something. Glad to see that didn't happen.

You were much nicer to 'teeny' than I would have been!

[RuthWells]

Holy crap. No tags on the little kooshdog?

[Joanna Schmidt]

I can just see this tiny Teeny lunging, jumping, popping up like popcorn- Poor Charlie. Poor Alice.

[Meg]

Why can't people just take care of their f*#king dogs??? Nothing bothers me more than seeing a dog roaming around without it's owner.

[The Cheap Chick]

Even dogs get a Napoleon complex. And good on you for not booting the small dog across the street by a liberal application of your foot.

[The Rev.]

Methinks you inadvertently crushed the spirits of the nearby Wonka factory workers, to whom Teeny was not just a mascot but a constant source of inspiration throughout the workday. Instead, Teeny met his end as that of an afternoon snack.

Seems only fitting, though-

Great story - My first time here, though I'm sure I'll be back around.

-The Rev.

[Jen]

Poor Charlie! I hope his therapy sessions go smoothly.
And thanks for returning Harry, although Teeny was one of our choices. Um, he's a little excitable, but quite lovable. He was just trying to show Charlie how to recapture his youth...

[C-Rah]

Poor Charlie. Little fluff balls can wreak such havoc.

[monkeymama]

Koosh ball! Thanks for making me laugh. Hope it all worked out. Great story!

[Kizz]

It's the detail of the iPod and the way the cord was destined to become leash-involved that sets the scene perfectly. So been there.

One night while wrangling my dog and my father's 2 dogs I came across a friendly Great Dane all by itself with only a collar and a rabies tag. It was dad's neighborhood so I didn't know anyone and I wandered around until someone helped me out and brought me to the dog's house. The people answered the door and basically accused me of stealing their dog. I barely got out of there with my leash.

More treats for Charlie! He's been traumatized.

[Miss Grace]

I'm going to be so happy if it's the koosh ball option.

[Kia]

we have a "curiously noisy kushball" in our neighborhood, too. it's annoying as hell. the difference for us? it's my KID who runs away in terror from the kushball, not my dog. ugh. i hate yappy little furballs.

[Kia]

err, please excuse my misspelling of the word "kooshball." it's new to my vocabulary and thus, i need practice spelling it!

[lilfootsmommy]

I LOVE that you just left him tied to that house not knowing for sure if it belonged to that house!!! AWESOME!!!

[Becky]

OMG this was hilarious!
I'm sorry you had to go through that but wow, FUNNY!!!

Thanks for the laugh!

[Sara]

Sounds like Teeny's owners could use a refresher on responsible dog ownership.

My husband is convinced that if he could figure out a way to invent a tangle-free dog leash, we'd be able to sell enough to retire early!

[chicklet]

I soooo hope that's NOT the neighbour's dog, cuz it makes it that much funnier that he's tied there then.

[Susie]

Ohmygoodness, by the time I got to the koosh ball comment at the end, I was laughing so hard, I actually cried a little bit. My co-workers probably think I'm a loon. Which is awesome. Thanks!

[the brooklyn mommy]

hi. i'm a friend of Snugs and A-man's mommy. she had your link up on her blog. this is the first blog of yours that i've read. i've been giggling so hard at this vividly painted scenario that i have tears running down my face. i have a neurotic cocker spaniel that can't stand other dogs so i laugh in sympathy. i love this blog. i'm bookmarking it! thanks for the great story! :)

[Carrie]

Both the dogs I have owned in my life have been terribly unsocialized haters of other dogs. OK, I was young, I was an unfit dog parent, I promise to enroll any future dogs in a certified doggie preschool.

But anyway, I used to HATE it when people would let their dogs trot right up to my dog. It never failed that when I scrambled to pick up my dog and hold it high out of reach, lest it chew off the big friendly dog's eyes as an opening gambit, the dog owner would shout, "Don't worry! He's friendly!"

[junewell]

So funny--and vivid! It played out in my mind's eye as 'twere a magic lantern show.

It's not surprising that these big dogs are scared of smaller dogs, or that the small ones are so PO'd all the time. I always imagine the fierce, majestic ancestral wolf that lurks somewhere deep inside these tiny yappy, snappy creatures, yearning to break free.

[Mauigirl]

Great description of a thoroughly hectic situation. I could just see you with the leashes and the iPod cord wrapped around you. It has happened to me too so I can relate! Koosh ball, that's great! I can think of two neighbors who have one of those tiny furballs. Hopefully he got home eventually!

[Robyn]

Maybe these tiny unhinged pups are the reason most accidents occur within five miles of home. My cousin fractured her shoulder in just such a big-dog-vs.-little-dog entanglement.

[DQ]

We just moved into a new neighborhood, and one of the local kids carried a dog over to me and said, "I found him." Dumped him on my yard, and left. I was like, "I'm new here! I don't know whose dog this is! Kid, you have a dog! Give this dog some of your dog's food...!" But, that was just in my head. I'm the adult here. Anyway, I gave the dog a bowl of water, and later found out that another neighbor took in the dog, and transfered it to the other neighbor, who took it to the humane society (temporary!) and THEN learned that the dog was another neighbor's. I was frustrated that the dog had no tags. That would have solved everything, if we just knew whose it was. "He never gets out, so we don't have a tag on him," she said. Well, he DOES get out , see? And, he had no name. So frustrating! Tag your dogs, people, so the new girl in the neighborhood knows what to do with your dog!!!!! Neighbor is on her way to get her dog right now.

[Chris]

We don't have a dog. One day I left the front door open, and a german shepard walked in. She jumped up on the couch and when I hollered at her to get down, she peed. On my couch. So I called my husband at work and said, "The dog peed on our couch!" He didn't understand. I don't really either. I don't know whose fraidy cat dog that was, but I was glad when she left. But I still had pee on the couch.

[George]

This is classic. You could totally find enough material to edit a book of dog stories like this. My college friend was walking past a house near the dorms once when a dog came running at her, but she thought no big deal, he's on a chain. Not knowing that the owner had made the chain longer than the yard. So the dog just clamped down on her thigh like Colonel Sanders. I saw the bruise. It was hamburger-sized. She had to go to the emergency room, then she sued the owner for several thousand dollars for the medical and for suffering. Now she laughs about it. Kind of.

[lt]

In my neighborhood, I would be worried that if the neighbor didn't own the dog they would simply untie the leash and let the dog run free all over again. So I would probably come back and take the kooshball to animal control, because the owners would likely call there when they realized their dog was missing. I realize that's not as comic an ending to the story, but I had an instant rush of concern for the dog tied up to someone else's porch. But, again, I'm talking about what I suspect would happen in my neighborhood. May not be a concern for you. I have two dogs and I have definitely been in that embarrassing multi-leash/iPod tangle more times than I care to admit.

[Kristine]

I am so glad there are other people out there who see loose dogs and try and keep them from getting hurt.

We once found a cat with a tag with a disconnected phone number, but also a tag for the petsmart vet and when we tried to get the vet to look in their records to call the owner? They were all "we can't do that." It seriously took speaking to 3 people and finally the ACTUAL vet to get them to find this cat's owner's number to contact them.

[Wendy]

I bet koosh ball's owner was watching the whole scene from the living room window and laughing hysterically.

My dog Mickey became the neighborhood dog. He was always jumping the fence and would make friends with other dogs. He would then proceed to go through their doggy doors and cuddle on the bed with the dog's humans. And yes, he had a tag with working phone numbers. They didn't call me though because they loved him, too. Their wasn't a fence high enough to keep him in, and unfortunately, Mickey found his was to doggy heaven via the wheels of one careless driver.

[KFC]

Glad our dog came with a chip! Because of dogs like Teeny, we train our puppy like crazy not to jump, so she now sits and then looks up as if to say, "Pet me! I'm a good, sitting girl! LOVE ME!"

Our across the street neighbor at our old place has two tiny, fluffy, yippy furballs that rush everyone who crosses their path, yapping frantically and jumping all over them. The owner will occasionally come out of the house, cigarette dangling from her lip, yelling, "Get off! I told you not to do that!" as if the dogs can understand. I love dogs, but if they ran off and never returned, I wouldn't be too upset....