Wii just want you to be happy

The Wii Fit is my passive-aggressive friend who has cool games but won't let me at them until it cheerfully bullies me into submission. A friend who only allows you one response: pressing the A button. This is a terrible friend. And yet I can't stop coming back to it.

Wii Fit: Hello, Alice! Haven't seen you here in a while! [A]

Alice: I've been busy. Give a girl a break.

Wii Fit: ….

Alice: [A]

Wii Fit: Scott was here just yesterday! He sure is getting in shape, wouldn't you say? [A]

Alice: Can we just get on with this?

Wii Fit: …

Alice: Sigh. [A]

Wii Fit: I see the deadline for your goal has past! Did you reach your goal? [A]

Alice: You know the answer to that, you bastard.

Wii Fit: …

Alice: [A][A][A]

Wii Fit: Oooh, I see you didn't reach your goal. You wanted to lose 5 pounds and you only lost 0 pounds. You've failed at this just like you've failed at so much else, haven't you, Alice?

Alice: [pressing A while staring at shoes]

Wii Fit: Maybe you need to set smaller, more manageable goals. Small goals can be encouraging for people like you!

Alice: Sniff. [A]

Wii Fit: I noticed that the last time I asked you why you weren't losing weight, you chose the option, "I don't know." Maybe you need to think a little harder about your choices, Alice!

Alice: ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.

Wii Fit: …

Alice: [A], DAMN IT, [A]!

Wii Fit: Maybe you should come here every day and think about what you're not doing right, and how you can start doing those things right. That's all I ask. Is that too much? Alice? Can you do that?

Alice: A...[lying across the Wii Fit balance board.]

Wii Fit: I noticed that your tears are wetting my balance board! Crying out all that water weight might help some, but another way to lose excess pounds is to stop cramming your maw with processed garbage! Which I saw you doing the other day when I secretly turned myself back on long after you thought it was safe! Those were too many chips for one mouth! That's a Wii Fit Tip!

Alice: [A][A][A][A][A][A]

Wii Fit: Okay, now it's time to have fun! You can stand up now! I'll let you do some Super Hula! And if you come tomorrow maybe I'll be a little nicer! You wait another day, though, and I don't know how I'll be. You tell Scott that, too.

Comments

[Sue]

Sounds like the Wii Fit should be named HAL.....

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Fitness has no place in video games. Whoever invented such a concept should be shaved and forced to walk the streets wearing a board reading, "INVENTOR OF JACKASSERY!"

Because that's who they are.

[Leeanthro]

Oh jeez! I was going to take my Fit Board out of the box tonight and set it up. Now I'm scared. Maybe it's better than the old lady at Weight Watchers. But I hate to be insulted in my own home!

I'm looking forward to hula hooping, because lord knows I can't do it in real life!

[LizPres]

In the midst of your sadness and anxiety and personal horrors ... you are still hilarious. Just so funny. I hope you are occasionally able to make yourself laugh as much as you make us laugh.

[Heather]

I had thought I might want one of these, but I'm pretty sure I don't now!

[hills]

At least you have Wii Fit. It's nowhere to be found in Canada. *shakes fist*

[The Window Seat]

Wow. It must be my pre-wedding madness but this makes me want to get a Wii fit even more! I need someone to stay on me about slacking off.

[Spatula]

That Wii could make a killing as a dominatrix. Maybe you should pimp it out?

If my machine talked to me like that, I'd... be a lot more fit, for a start.

[Anne Prince]

Damn Sue - you beat me to my line - that was the first thing I though of as well! And then I read the entire post in HAL's voice in my head.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

Maybe I don't wan the Wii Fit after all . . .

[suburbancorrespondent]

I'm so glad I'm not tech-savvy enough to even attempt using this Wii thing. Last thing I need is even more guilt.

[Nikki]

I KNOW! The damned balance board is so snotty, right? My sister was complaining that she found the female trainer to be condescending, but my beef is with the hunk of plastic back-talking me whenever I miss a workout.

[Sarah]

Hilarious! I get so mad at that stupid thing talking to me. I don't let my kids talk to me like that! In a strange way it's demoralizing comments make me want to work harder - must be the point.

[Onbeelay]

I think this is just the first step to total submission of the entire human race to computer control. First the WiiFit...tomorrow. THE WORLD!

[silvermine]

Hahahhahahaha. [A][A][A]. My daughter just loves the pig.

[Catherine]

oh no! do you think my Wii Fit knows yours? That they went to the same training camp? Now I'm even more scared to open it. But I supposed I should. Maybe it'll help with the tennis elbow I et from Wii Bowling?

[elise]

Oh my goodness that was the most I've laughed in a long time.

[Jill]

Your Wii Fit has a sense of humor. I must go buy one.

[Jenna]

Every single time that stupid thing makes me feel bad by highlighting my gut and making it spill over my pants when I step on. How is this supposed to be helping?

The little childs voice encouraging me to step on is nice though.

[George]

I think you need to ask HAL 9000 to open the pod bay doors so you can -quick- toss the Wii to the heavens.

[Jaynee]

My husband has a Mii that he set up for the Wii Fit and he hasn't been on in about 10 days. Yesterday when I logged in, my Wii Fit asked me where Denis was. Very creepy.

In other news, my Wii Fit claimed I gained 1.5 pounds between yesterday and today. Huzzah!

...[A]

[Miss Grace]

What is a Wii Fit?

[Sleeping Mommy]

Hmmm, mine doesn't talk to me like that. Although it does like to tell me "That's Obese!" in a super sweet child like voice.

however, it does talk to my husband like that.

guess which one of us uses it everyday?

[Jessica]

"Alice: Sniff. [A]"

Perfectly captures my relationship with the Wii. This Alice woman is brilliant. [A]

[Sandi]

Alice, you still crack me up, even if your grief and sadness.

[grudge girl]

aaaaaaaaand she's back!

[Tam]

Dude- I've missed your wit as the best defense against [occasionally] dismal reality. Go you for finding your words.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Oh my. Humiliation city. Programmer must have been a total git!

[angelawd]

I suppose if I was cool enough to actually own a wii, I'd understand this post.

[Rachael]

Um... I THINK I still want one... maybe...

[Robin]

Your Wii fit seems to have a bit more of a sinister commenting feature than mine. Perhaps that is because my children spend more time placating it, and by the time four or five weeks has rolled around with me ignoring it, it probably doesn't recognize me anyway.

[The Cheap Chick]

Your Wii (weeee!) sounds suspiciously like my father talking to me about my career(s). Does Wii (weeee!) sound like a bossy 63-year-old male college professor? Because that would explain where Dad got his extra spending money.

[punchanella]

well i WAS going to suggest that my husband and i get a Wii so we can get wii fit for our 8 year anniversary, but if it's going to make me feel like crap, well then... i mean what i really need is another thing to be a failure at (grad school, i'm looking at you!).

thanks for the heads up.

[A]

[Smalltown Mom]

My younger son has a Wii...I was thinking about WiiFit, but not if it talks back to me. Having kids is bad enough!

[Frogdancer]

This is exactly why I haven't caved into the boys' pleas and bought one. I just tell them that if they want to get fit they can put the lead on the dog and take her for a walk.

[melissaS]

I could use a little verbal abuse from my work out equipment. Sign me up!

[The Yummy Mummy Cooks Gourmet]

Yeah, this is why we don't have one...

[kym b]

Laughing to tears, Alice, tears.

Wait until it is close to Scott's birthday. It will remind you it is coming and ask you if you are planning anything special for him.

OH, and once, it told me that I wasn't paying enough attention to my husband. He totally thought it was worth every penny at that point.

[Angie]

I knew there was a reason I didn't want one of these damn things.

[caramaena]

Ok this is exactly why I'm nervous about getting it out again - I haven't used it in a couple of weeks. I can't stand the guilt!!

[Amyl]

LOL. Yea I always regret missing a day on the thing because it says "I guess you were too busy to check in with me yesterday, huh?" I HATE that. Of course, I didn't sign in before midnight so I'll be hearing that little comment again tomorrow. Oh well. It's the only thing I've actually stuck with and I don't have to leave the comfort of my home to be hassled into exercising. Overall I'm happy with the thing. Especially since I worked my way up to the advanced rhythm boxing. That one's fun!

[superblondgirl]

So now I'm scared to buy the Wii Fit, much as I want want want it. I don't want it to yell at me and judge. I want it to be sort of like a codependent therapist - "It's okay that you went off the wagon. You can start again tomorrow. Chocolate has antioxidants, don't feel guilty! You're not fat, you're just big-boned." etc.

[Kim]

Thank god I don't own a Wii. I have enough voices in my head, I don't need another new addition.

[Stacey]

I haven't been on WiiFit for 6 days and I am afraid to get back on because it is going to chew me out when I do. It gave me grief last time for not noticing DS1's posture has improved. No lie - it said "Maybe you should pay more attention to DS1"

I'm thinking if I want nagging & grief about my parenting skills I can get my mom to move in with me & she'd probably help pay for groceries & with the cleaning.

[Allison]

My first time on Fit we didn't have the carpet caps on it, and I was of normal weight. Then we set it up right and it asked me how I gained 10 lbs in 1 day, then plumped up my poor little Mii... BOO...

I cheat on the run just so I can unlock more Yoga, Suck It Wii : )

[Bethiclaus]

Okay, I know this is a funny exaggeration of how it actually works, but now I'm scared to get it. What a bastard the Wii Fit is!

[daisy]

Creepy. Uh.. I think I'll avoid it.

[Jen]

I was thinking of getting a Wii Fit until my friend told me it weighs you every time. All of a sudden, visions of the screen announcing "One at a time, please" when I stepped on it flashed through my head and I vetoed that!

[Sara]

Ha ha - you have me rolling... and nearly spitting coffee out my nose.

[BOSSY]

With friends like that, who needs Enemiis.