What friends are for.

"I ran over a chipmunk today."
"Oh, Abby, why? Why did the chipmunk have to die?"
"It was an accident! I tried to stop in time. Then I saw it in my rear-view mirror, smeared across the road."
"Poor little chipmunk."
"Maybe it had cancer, and I spared it a gruesome, painful death."
"Or maybe it had just been miraculously cured, and it was running across the road to tell its family."
"'GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO LI—'"
"I bet you killed it right in front of its family, too. Right when they were all, 'You're going to what? WHAT?'"
"Hey, look, a bunny rabbit!"
"Where?"
"It ran away."
"It smells the scent of death on you."
"I think that chipmunk was dying. I think I'm the Jack Kevorkian of chipmunks."
"That chipmunk was running across the road, calling to its beloved, 'HONEY, I'M PREG—'"
"I just knew you'd make me feel better about this."

Comments

[Tina]

Hah! This is great! Nothing like a friend to make you feel good about yourself, huh? Thanks for the chuckle...

[merlotmom]

I love a good laugh first thing in the morning. Thank you.

[Rebecca]

Awesome!

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

Ugh. Friends. Mine spent about 25 minutes and a significant amount of Facebook space making fun of my photo yesterday.

We were at the zoo this weekend and went through the birds of prey. I had to explain to the kids that all those baby chicks died in their sleep.

And the bunny the vulture was sticking it's head into died of old age.

Skip the birds of prey exhibit.

Your friend obviously discounted the possibility that the chipmunk was a homicidal psychotic rodent who was out to kill everyone. It's pretty obvious.

[Emily R]

I laughed out loud, and I am not an out loud laugher when I read.

[dianne]

Or/And ... this could be the catalyst for a spate of future wildly popular and profitable chipmunk memoirs?

[George]

Confession. I ran over a squirrel. It did one of those things where it ran out into the middle of the road, sensed my car, and froze. Fine, it was to the left of me, no problem. Then, of course, instead of doing the sensible thing, which was running back to the left from whence he came, or remaining frozen there in the median, he bolted in front of me. Even slamming on my brakes, I could hear him pop under me like a styrofoam cup. A decade later, I can still feel it. In my rear view mirror I saw that he had hop-dragged himself over to the gutter, so I pulled over, mainly because I knew cars behind me had seen it, and didn't want to just drive on callously as if mushing the lower mammals was a hobby. I got out of the car just long enough to be sure that any cars who had seen it were gone, then I drove on. No way he was still alive.

I never realized until your post how I might have done him a favor. Dude waited until I was right on him, until he knew there was no WAY I could stop, before he moved. Boy was suicidal, clearly. We will never know the darkness gnawing at his heart, but I take some comfort in knowing it's now at peace. Thanks.

[kim]

OMG that was so funny! Thank you Alice! And for added giggles, try running it through the Dialectizer to translate it into Jive!

http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect=jive&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.finslippy.com

[Ry]

Your friends are way more fun that mine. Mine would probably have just said "Cool" and tried to high five me while I was weeping about the loss of the poor chipmunk. Then they would have made fun of me.

I think I need new friends.

Freakin hilarious post!

[Mary]

When I was growing up my grandfather very convincingly told me that it's okay if you run over a squirrel in the road. Squirrels have excellent reflexes, see, and if you hit them than it means they were sick and were going to die anyway. Really, you're doing them a favor. I'm sure the same applies to chipmunks. Wise man, my grandfather...

And no, I don't set out on the road each day looking for small rodents whose pain I may be able to ease with my four tires, but hey...sh*t happens.

[Nicole]

We like to say that the enormous deer we hit that totaled our car used us as tools in an unwitting murder-suicide pact (the deer wanted to commit suicide by murdering our car). Ah, wildlife.

Given the choice between a squirrel and a deer, though? I'll totally waste the squirrel. Far less body damage.

[Jen]

Chipmunks and bunnies and mercy killings, oh my!
Very funny, Alice!

[punchanella]

i hit a rabbit with my VW rabbit the other day. that's upsetting.

[Organizing MOmmy]

Ooohh... I smooshed a woodchuck yesterday, and I felt the same way! I yelled at it to get out of the way! It was sauntering along, and planning to die that day, I think. Either way, I'm new here. Heard about you from 5 Minutes for Mom.

[anna]

Reminds me of a guy from college who (accidentally?) ran over a squirrel, and then looked at me, and said, "Got em!"

[Germs]

I'm sure it was one of those cartoon figures; just when u were around the corner, it stood up -all flat - and regained it's posture seconds later.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Glad to see you're feeling better. Or at least well enough to kill without mercy.

Baby steps!

[MImi]

It was tired of being a chipmunk.

[mfk]

oh god. one time I was driving and three squirrels ran across the road in front of me, IN SINGLE FILE, so there was no way I could possibly swerve to miss them. I tried anyway and only hit one, but I looked in the rear view mirror and saw him all mushed on the road with his little tail twirling in death throes. Horrible. We should construct an elaborate system of invisible fences around our nation's road system to prevent such things.

[Overflowing Brain]

I too, laughed aloud.

The first time I ever drove a car I ran over a frog and I swore I'd never drive again. Somehow I got myself together and got behind the wheel. So far the only thing I've hit since then was a pole. But that's okay, it was my mother-in-law's car I was driving, not mine.

[Sharon]

Years ago, when I told a friend about a similar incident, she labeled it assisted suicide. It made me feel better.

[Katrisha]

On a recent trip home from a weekend away, I has two near misses with oppossoms, one very fast bunny and popped a frog. Yes, he popped. After four pronounced hops across the road...hop...hop...hop...hop...POP! I am sorry for your loss. ;)

[LIB]

In my neck of the woods it's squirrels. Squirrels are always darting in front of your car, crossing the street. I call them 'Suicidal Squirrels'. When my friend, Lorraine, ran over one, I said, "Don't worry; he wasn't happy with his life."

[Anne]

A few weeks ago my husband ran over a squirrel - no way to miss him, it was either get the squirrel or crash into a tree. So while i turned my head to avoid seeing, husband starts BACKING UP to see if he did in fact squish the squirrel. I told him he was going to hell for that one.

[karen]

Come to my house! PLEASE! Drive all over my yard and hit as many chipmunks as you possibly can. They are all dying and you could be their angel of mercy! Ok, well maybe I'm just busy wishing them dead, but I can't poison them because we have a well. Can you drive two cars at once? There are a LOT of the little buggers out there...

[rhea]

Why Mom Drinks Rum was right, it's pretty obvious. Thanks for saving us all.

[Wendy]

Oooh I hate that! I ran over a cat once. I couldn't pet my own cat without crying for a month! Wish I would have had a friend like you to make me feel worse about it. Lol.

[Cara]

Hysterical!!

[Kia]

Oh, see, now if I saw a CAT on the road, I don't think I'd even brake a little. Um, wait a minute, let's see...

Nope. Might even accelerate.

A chipmunk, mind you. They're cute. And they sing. With their squeaky little voices that could peel wallpaper...

[Melissa]

You just big a big old grin on my face. Thanks. :)

[Lindsey]

This was pure brilliance. I'm feeling good about my decision to read your blog instead of finish my paper that's due tonight. I once killed a baby raccoon with my car and spent weeks trying to forgive myself. Now I ride a bike whenever possible. Coincidence? I think not.

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

"I'm the Jack Kevorkian of chipmunks"

New blog tagline. Just sayin.

[MelanieinOrygun]

I have never hit anything in my car, but recently I was a passenger in my coworker's car when he hit a Mystery Animal. It was a dark, poorly-lit road, and his car is one of those low-slung deals, so by the time we heard the Mystery Animal make its final thumpety-bonk journey from the front tires to the back, we were both surprised and grossed out.
I am still glad we didn't stop to figure out what we hit. Since it's Oregon I'm going with possum or squirrel, but whatever it was I surely didn't want to see it. There were other noises included that made me think I would have barfed.
Mystery Animal it stays!

[Robin]

Alive, I want to be your friend!! Then I could share your wonderful friends!!

I work at a wildlife rescue organization and experience animal deaths almost every day. I won't go in to the twisted sense of humor we have all aquired surrounding animal death. From here on out, I'm going to be WAY more creative!

Just know that I would fit into your group of friends---very well.

[outnumbered221]

If you had taken out the whole family, like what happened to a family of racoons the other day on a well traveled street in our neighborhood, your friend wouldn't have been able to say anything. I'm just saying....

[metalia]

If I used the phrase "LOL," I'd be using it now. That was hilarious.

[spoiledonlychild]

You are among several bloggers who seem to worry that you need to be constantly producing funny stuff. At least for me, funny isn't what keeps me coming back. It's the honest raw writing about life's challenges that I love to read. Maybe I'm just a gawker, but I suspect there are a lot more like me. So please know that you don't have to be composing funny dialogue to please your readers. If you think writing about what you're really going through would be helpful, I'm sure many, many people would love to come and read and encourage you as you make your way to the other side.

[Sara]

OK, the post was funny enough as it was... reading it through the Dialectizer in Jive made my day!

[MotherhoodTheUltimateSurvivor]

What my friends say to me.........

"You look great"
"You honestly can't tell you've put on weight"
"What are you talking about? You look fine"

What my kids say to me.......

"How come your belly is so floppy?"

[Shannon]

I've only hit frogs - I live in Florida and when it rains sometimes it seems like hundreds are on the road. Gruesome! But I've been passenger in a car that hit a wild boar (lifted the side of the car right off the road) and the longest snake I've ever seen (not the same car). My husband was driving through a parking lot and a pigeon was sitting in the middle of the driving lane. He slowed way down, stopped, honked, honked again, and thought, "Well, surely he'll move" and began creeping forward again. Unfortunately, the bird did not move. Ever again. He came home stricken and told me what had happened. I promptly burst out laughing. And gave him the suicidal line.

[Stu]

LOL Alice.

@George: so you got out of the car until the people who saw you run it over went away, but you didn't actually bother to check that the squirrel - which had been alive enough to drag itself along - wasn't still suffering? Wow.

[rachel beto]

Hey, uh, this is that chipmunk husband and uh, yeah, she was yelling that she was pregnant. The good news (for you anyway) is that it uh wasn't mine. I'm going to go run across the road a few times myself now.

[ozma]

I could live with myself it it were a squirrel but a chipmunk. That would be hard. But it really sounds like some kind of chipmunk suicide. No chipmunk jury will convict.

[Chris]

snork. i am glad i wasn't drinking coffee when i got to the last line.

[Katie]

hey alice, i love your blog and to show you so, i've given you a little love over on my blog...check it out!

[Mauigirl]

Very funny - even though I do feel bad for that poor little chipmunk! That was hysterical.

[margie]

coming home from the cottage last weekend, a moose ran out of the woods and thank goodness stopped and turned back or he would have hit me, two km later, bambi runs out in front of me, then we see a bear cub running along the side of the road. i was a nervous wreck, i would have been happy squishing a chipmunk. better than being squished by a moose!!!

[Amyinbc]

I have two cute little raccoons that live in the willow tree in my back yard. Can you come run over them too? Yeah, they are super cute. Especially when they are high on their perch shitting on the trampoline and in the pool. And on the ground where my dogs roll in it.

Sorry. Have an abundance of squirrels in the back yard and would feel bad about running one of them over. Not so much the raccoons.

[Kelly V]

I was driving to work early one morning in a place where the speed limit was 15. I was very law abiding. Suddenly, a squirrel ran in front of the car and I panicked. I slammed my foot on the pedal and lurched forward at an accelerated pace. He had no chance. My rear view mirror told the grim story. Anyone who might have seen it would have thought it was intentional. It was not. Thankfully, the body was gone the next day so I didn't have to look at my shame again.

[Robyn]

Sick. SICK!

I love it. Thank you.