Down here on earth.

A few days ago I was lying on my bed, talking on the phone with my friend Jessie. I was telling her the grim details of the horrific flight I had on my way home from BlogHer. I haven't said too much about my homeward flight, because every time I think about it I end up hyperventilating under my duvet, and one fewer trauma to relive would be nice. All I can say about it now, without the flashbacks driving me to peel the skin from my face, is there was some turbulence. And by "some," I mean "a lot," and by "turbulence," I mean "death was a near certainty." Except it wasn't. So that was a relief.

At any rate, I apparently felt well enough while talking with Jessie to really let loose on the whole ordeal, including the panic attack that kicked into high gear as all the conscious passengers were gripping our armrests and praying fervently. I didn't realize, while I was talking, that Henry was in the next room. So there I was recounting the hours of dry-heaving into an air-sickness bag as my tears soaked my copy of O , when my boy strolled in and asked, "What's a panic attack?" I was still on the phone, so I screeched, "You hush up while Mommy has her Me Time!" Actually I stared at him, wondering how much he had heard, and then I told him we'd talk after I hung up.

Then he asked me thirty more times in rapid succession. Making it really hard to say goodbye to my friend. I still did it, though, because I am able to both talk and wave dismissively at a child. I am a professional.

Again he demanded to know what a panic attack was, and was I really going to die on that plane? The second part was easy, because I definitely did not die on that plane, so obviously those thoughts had more to do with my panic than with the brain-rattling shaking I hyperventilated my way through. "But what's panic?" Henry wanted to know. I contemplated telling him it was a fun new video game I was playing on the plane, but instead I went for the boring, awful truth. I tried to explain, but it sounds pretty silly, all the fear-over-nothing and adrenaline and nausea and so forth. I hope he never has to find out firsthand what a panic attack is. It doesn’t look good for him, given his family history, but a girl can dream.

"Are you having a panic attack now?" he wanted to know, which was silly because I wasn't on a plane convinced that I was going to die at any minute. Except, whoops, I was having a panic attack, actually; I've been gripped by stupid low-grade panic since I got back. There's something so embarrassing and ridiculous about being this panicked all the time. How do you express that feeling to someone else? How little sense does it make that I feel like each step I take is the last one before I hurtle off a cliff?

"Nope," I said, "Come lie down on the bed with me." Which he did. And we laid there for a while. He stared at my face while I looked out the window, attempting to approximate some kind of contented expression.
"You had a bad look on your face," he said to me. "Are you having a panic attack?"
"Not at all," I said. It's really hard to lie to him. Damn it all.
"I'll be okay," I told him. Which felt like the truth.

Comments

[Louise]

I have panic attacks from time to time - mostly when I'm driving - and have managed so far to hide it from my Henry...but he's only two. I'm sure I'll have to explain it all to him at some point, but I'm hoping against hope he doesn't experience them firsthand. Sorry your flight was so yucky.

[Susannah aka Petunia Face]

I have what I like to call tantric panic attacks. I can feel it coming on for days and then woosh! Bam. I am knocked out for days with this paralyzing feeling of certain death and fear and blah and ...

Inhale pink, exhale blue. My daughter is only 2 so she doesn't know yet that I am human, that I crumble and cry and sometimes want MY mommy. I am so very afraid for her to find out.

[Jill (CDJ)]

Panic attacks? Bad. Cuddling with a boy who loves you more than all the [insert favorite toy here] in the world? Good. May good triumph over evil!

[cj coppola]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Alice. I wish you peace and healing.

[Jen]

I believe you. You will be okay. Just taking time.

[Kizz]

I don't know how you describe it to someone else. So far I've been going with, "Well, you know how I was from about age 13 to like 24? Yeah, it's like that."

I don't know why I have less panic now but I'm damned glad about it. I still get the attacks but it's usually not quite so bad. I can't imagine having to explain it to a 5 year old, sounds like you did a bang up job, though.

[Ninotchka]

Boy, have I been there. The terrible I-can't-believe-this-is-how-I'm-going-to-die flight. The panic attacks. The constant low-grade state of anxiety threatening even the most ordinary moments. The works. And you're right. It (you) will be OK.

[kim]

Long time reader, first time commenter. I have panic disorder, so I always feel it necessary to say "hi" to my fellow panic attack sufferers. I feel your pain. I had one so bad on the subway this morning that I got off, took the next train back to my home stop, and had my poor husband drive me into the city for work. I just couldn't deal with it today. Usually I make myself stay on the train, no matter how much I'm freaking, but I was just too tired to be strong today.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone...

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

Probably the more you rehash the experience (out of earshot of Henry, of course), the faster you can get out from under the chronic panic. You have to replay it over and over, consciously, until it sort of falls to pieces in your mind. The avoidance generates your general anxiety right now.

Too bad they don't have a virtual reality therapy for it, the kind they are starting to use on soldiers suffering from PTSD. The New Yorker had a piece on it a month or so ago.

[Lisame]

Girl! My baby sister has "panic disorder" and I was so hateful to her when we were young. Then I had an ATTACK three years ago, I'm still apologizing to Kim for behing ugly. I don't wish that feeling on anyone! You hang in there. People care.

[Alyce]

Another me, too, panic attack haver.

Mostly, planes and while driving. Sometimes in the middle of a movie, where it's slightly easier to hide.

You're doing great. You can do it!

(was that at all encouraging?)

[Traci]

Panic attacks suck. I've had them since I was 16, and the whole "scared for no reason" thing is really hard to get across to someone who's never had it happen.
I have scooped up my 3 year old and gone racing across an open field (one of my particular Scary Spots {tm})while other moms look at me like I am demented. Fun!
You're not alone in the Crazy Brain Dept., for what it's worth.
xoxo

[George]

If you haven't heard the Indigo Girls' song about fear of flying, you owe it to yourself to play it. It's hilarious and way true. Here's one place it is:

http://www.last.fm/music/Indigo+Girls/Rites+of+Passage/Airplane

The "play" button is in the upper right of the page.

I don't fly too well myself, but I try to remember this song when I do. :-)

[hikooky]

Damn Panic! I've never suffered an actual panic attack, but I do know anxiety pretty well. I ache for anyone who has an actual attack - it sounds perfectly awful; anxiety itself is bad enough. I'm so sorry it's lingering. Maddening! I wish I had something really helpful to offer (other than a Xanax?), but I don't. So I'll be juvenile and say "What you need is a good quabbing, young lady!" Seriously, I hope you feel better soon.

[Wendy]

You will be okay. You just have to get there, that's all. It's amazing how much feeling someone's love can help you. I'm glad he was there for you.

[zoom]

Just delurking briefly to tell you how much I like you.

[Annika]

I had panic attacks when I was pregnant. Wheee, that was fun! And that low-grade panicked feeling, all the time, for no discernible reason? HELLO, YOU ARE ME! Gah.

[Miss Grace]

I think you were telling the truth. It will be okay.

[A]

if you havent seen the movie Charlie Bartlett, I recommend you rent it. To quote it: "In all my research, I never came across anyone who ever died of a panic attack. So, next time you are feeling like that just say 'its okay. i'm okay. i'm just having a panic attack.' and everything will be alright."

maybe easier said than done, but sometimes it's saying it out loud that helps you understand whats going on silently inside.

[Dee]

I've watched my mother have panic attacks. It's terrible to watch - very scary, even for a grown woman. Do Henry a favor and get some professional help, Sweetie.

[Erin]

This is one of the best written posts I've ever read. I just subscribed to you, read a bunch of past posts, and I-- um-- really like you.

Glad your plane ride ended well. I have anxiety ALL THE TIME. It's like I'm teetering on the edge of The Horrible, trying hard to keep something bad from happening.

[jen]

yeah, generalized anxiety and panic attacks can kiss my as$. We have battles on a regular basis, but today I am winning.

[JL]

All I can say is that I know what it feels like. And it does suck.

You can get through this, one day at a time.

[MH]

Thank you for your honesty. I have had generalized anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember along with bouts of panic disorder. Right now I feel exactly as you do, like each step is the one off the cliff. I've been feeling like this for weeks and wondered if I was the only one that ever feels this way.

[SS]

Delurking to say I'm another long term generalized anxiety disorder/panic attack sufferer. I would offer you an Ativan if I could! The constant state of low grade anxiety is the worst. I really hope you feel better soon. Take care.

[Geo]

I believe your little man will develop some compassion through this. Don't be ashamed to tell him your truth, or to acknowledge your truth to yourself. There's a lyric from a song I like that goes, "You can't heal what you can't feel."

No charge for the unsolicited advice!

~a fellow panicker

[Linds]

Hi, lurker here.

Like most of the other people who commented, I have been there, too. Keep the faith (in yourself, in whatever grounds you), you will prevail.

As Henry gets older, you might want to think about (and perhaps consult with somebody about) how to talk to him about what you're going through. I'm sure it is scary to him, and kids always notice more than we think they do. I don't have children myself (which is, obviously, why I should be offering you advice about this, sarcasm alert!), but if you can figure out some age-appropriate sort of way to talk with him about it, it might relieve some of the worry he may have. And, talking about it will show him that it *is* all right to talk about such things, so that if (knock on wood he doesn't) he ever feels that way, he knows he can talk to you about it.

Unsolicited advice aside, I just wanted you to know that here's another person who knows how it feels.

[Mir]

It will be okay, and the fact that you know that is actually part of why it will be.

(Okay, that really was a heartfelt sentiment, although rereading what I said I feel a little bit like Yoda, only less smart. Hopefully you know what I mean.)

[Jen]

I was just talking to a friend who has social anxiety issues about how to talk to her (older-than-Henry) kids. She found this link to be helpful and I thought it might have some language that you could pick up if you end up having a more in-depth conversation with Henry about your panic attacks.

http://www.parentinginformation.org/2004Talking_Children_ICP.pdf

I don't know if you're there yet or if he's old enough. My daughter's only one so I don't know where the too-much-information line really is with toddlers but it might be helpful?

Still pulling for you, Alice. :)

[thotlady]

You know, reading this got me thinking...maybe I have small panic attacks and I am not aware of it.

Sometimes I just feel afraid, like you said low-grade, hiding beneath the surface fear.

I don't know why I am afraid, just that I am...maybe it is a small panic attack.

Interesting.

[Deb]

Fellow sufferee...sufferer?

EMDR is a great solution.....
also meds really help,,,,it is the patience in finding the one that works best for you. we are all totally individual with these meds so you have to try a few to find the right one/combo. worth it when you find it. I swear.....I used to be so anti med but the more I learned the more I understood it is not about willpower or coping, it is a brain definciency of certain chemicals. Some kinds of anxiety are of course treatable with therapy, related to certain incidents etc. Then the EMDR works well.
Generalized often just needs meds to go away. Heaven........

Love to you alice, you are just grieving. I just went thru it over my dad and couldn't leave my house or talk to anyone but husband for two months. Meds the only thing that changed anything and then I could just feel my normal feelings. KWIM?
xoxo

[kristi]

It WAS absolutely the truth.

Sometimes it just takes a little while....

[HouseofJules]

It WILL be okay! Sending you lots of positive mojo, Alice.
Jules
House of Jules

[MontanaJen]

I had a panic attack yesterday morning driving through beautiful mountains next to my husband. It was triggered when I tried to explain a dream I'd had the night before to him.

All the usual symptoms - no breath, nausea, tears, hyperventilating, blah blah blah. He was supportive, and then concerned, and then some other stuff that should help in that situation, but oddly did not.

It was my due date. Of my third pregnancy. Only it was the due date of my third miscarriage. I had been doing really well for about three months - happy and medicated and stress-free (albeit all of those things in a pretend vacation world away from home). And the dream was about having another miscarriage.

Then, BLAM. I slept most of the afternoon, and read a book all night. Right back to my depressive isolation of the winter and spring. Not so yay-me. But, on the upside, no Xanax, either.

You absolutely will be ok, but occasionally you will not. And then instead of diving into bed and ordering all those who care about you away, just go ahead and take care of yourself, do the "ME Time!" thing. And then get up, take a shower, apply a bit of mascara and lipstick, and get on with it, sister. You get to be both things - OK and not OK - and I promise that the not OK will get less and less.

[Mauigirl]

As the old saying goes, "Little pitchers have big ears." (Why? Pitchers don't have ears, actually. Do they?) Naturally Henry overheard your conversation so that you'd have to explain this to him.

Anyway, I can relate. I am ordinarily relatively calm when I fly. Except if there's turbulence. Then I am not at all calm. One time a plane I was on with my husband banked suddenly and seemed to drop about 10,000 feet (it probably was more like 10) and I screamed. Loudly. In front of everyone. None of whom were screaming. It was pretty mortifying.

Seriously, though, I sympathize with the panic attack feeling. I used to get those a lot, for various reasons. I've gotten better over time, and medication does indeed help. Prozac, I love you. Also Xanax!

I hope you are feeling better every day. You've been through a lot.

[E]

Just wanted to say I sympathize as well, and I understand. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wonder why so many of us are going through this.

This weekend, driving back from a fun afternoon, I said to my husband, "This has been a terrific summer...so far." He said, "Yeah, I'd hate to think of all the bad stuff that's going to happen!" and laughed.

And I thought, Mister, you have no idea, the world I live in.

[starrlife]

The current theory is that trauma is embedded in a body memory and like earthquakes there is a lot of settling and aftershocks! I feel an aftershock...

[Julie @ Letter9]

It would be less scary having panic attacks if someone had ever told me that they'd had them before, so probably you've done your kiddo a service even though it probably sucked having to explain it to him.

[All Adither]

I know that feeling.

And I loved the way you wrote this post. And especially the way you ended it.

Beautiful.

[kate]

i know the feeling too alice. thanks for writing this post.

[kate]

i know the feeling alice. thanks for writing this post

[Amyinbc]

I had daily panic attacks during a horrible period in my life. I was too young and naive to think my doctor could help me. After 8 months of staying in my bedroom I slowly got through it. Get help if you need it, I wish I had..

[Maureen]

Panic and anxiety have been part of my life for more than 20 years. I have found help in both meditation and medication.
My children (5 and 3) haven't seemed to notice anything yet and haven't asked questions, but I wonder how I'll answer. I am so freakin afraid that they will have inherited this problem and I don't want them to be afraid of everything like I am. If my children ask me about my panic attacks, I guess I'll do he flight or flight response and tell them something about the signals getting mixed up rather than tell them I feel like I am going to die a lot of the time and that I am afraid of everything.

[STUFT]

My earliest memory is of me having a panic attack. Didn't know what they were though for another 20 years. I've learned to harness the energy from my panic attacks and use it to power a small travel torch so I will be able to see when all the lights go out.

[supertiff]

my god: how do you explain a panic attack to someone who's never had one?

i can't even imagine trying with someone who doesn't know what panic is, and who you wish with all of your being won't ever know.

thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. and for writing everything that you've written lately. these may not be the posts that people remember and say: "oh, she's so funny, she makes me pee my pants!" and, yes, that was me at the book signing. but, these are the posts that make this whole blogging thing REALLY meaningful.

you are amazing. that's all.

[la_chypriotte]

I love Henry!!!!
I vote for Henrii!
or Henry!!or Henrie!?!!

Oh, what AM I talking about!?
anw, your son, yeah, i like him, he;s nice.

[Ellen]

Kids and dogs. More intuitive than you'd think.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

I have panic attacks. Sometimes they're brought on by traumatic events and sometimes they just hit me from nowhere. Those are the worst because I never know what the trigger was or when they'll go away and whether there's a real reason I'm feeling this way. Thank God for xanax. And for other people like you who talk about this and make me feel like less of a freak.

[Angie]

Wouldn't it be nice if they could just stay small and cuddly and never curious about sucky adult things??

I think you handled it really well and in my opinion, telling them as much as they can handle at the time, is the best thing.

Sorry about your crappy flight.

[die Frau]

You know, I'm headed to my "talking doctor" (what my parents called a psychologist when I was little and dealing with divorce and a father with major issues that I didn't realize were happening) in about an hour, and I'm realizing you may have given me something else to talk about with her.

I panicked about someone I loved dying, not myself. I agree with all these other posters about figuring out how to tell Henry about it--maybe by deconstructing it a little for him, it will help you put things in simpler terms for yourself as well. I also agree with meds and meditation.

Keep being gentle with yourself, Alice. Everything really will be ok.