The Indignant Kindergartener.

Henry is shocked—SHOCKED!—that I dare move around in space and talk to him and have the gall to ask him questions. He learned from someone (I'm still searching for the source, and I will find it, oh, and how that person will rue the day) to answer every question with the handy phrase "Of course I (fill in the blank)." The above should be stated in weary indignation, as if the questioner should really know better by now. "Did you have a good day at school?" I might ask. "OF COURSE I didn't!" This is usually followed by violent eye-rolling and the occasional drop to the floor. His horror that I would dare ask such a question renders him incapable of bearing his own weight. His legs have simply given out from the shock. And yet here she comes again, with more questions! "Did you have gym today?" The eyes roll around and around. "OF COURSE. And it was BORING. All we did was WALK in CIRCLES."

Even if the response is positive, the affect is the same. "OF COURSE I had a good day at school. I only had the BEST DAY EVER. AAAAAAH." "And what made it the best day ever?" I might ask. "Obviously, that I WAS THE BEST KID," he booms, "And of course I ANSWERED EVERY QUESTION RIGHT." Then he throws himself to the ground because he can't believe he has to WALK with ME. GOD.

On the other hand, he's answering my questions this year. He can act as tough as he likes, but I'm still getting the precious, precious info. I realize that being excited to hear that "Nicholas STEPPED on my FOOT during LINE-UP" is pretty pathetic. But seriously, it's the most he's told me since the day he entered preschool, all those many years ago, when he wanted to marry me but didn't want to tell me what they ate during snack time.

Comments

[Ariel]

My daughter does the SAME thing...
And if I tell her 'No' she replies with "Waah!".
Like a lame baby cry. I hate it.

[Robin]

Why? Why must they withhold information from us? Perhaps it's payback for not letting them mainline sugar for dinner every night.

[Ally]

Who cares what they eat during snack? I wanna know who won four-square today.

[Jill (CDJ)]

What is it with preschool kids and the secrecy? My son's preschool gives a detailed report at the end of the day, but of course I still want to hear from him what he did. One day last week, he actually said, "Doesn't the sheet tell you that?" I'm sorry, what? And if I can get him to talk it's always the same time. "What did you do today?" "Played." "Who did you play with?" "I don't know." Argh! Little person brains confound me and give me a headache!

[Melissa]

OMG I am SOOO glad he does this to you too. Sophie started Kindergarten this year and I've finally learned to accept that I cannot ask for information. I must wait for it to be bestowed upon me when I am clearly unworthy. Congrats on getting some info outta your kid, even with the eye rolling, its content that counts.

[Lynn in Tucson]

Oh, the eye-rolling. Where-oh-WHERE do they learn that??

[TUWABVB]

He sounds like a tiny little Napoleon Dynamite - I had that voice in my head as I was reading this. Too funny!

[Liz C]

This might not work with every kid, but sometimes I have to tell my son 'You know, it hurts my feelings when I ask you a question and you answer me like that.'

Sometimes I have to show him what an appropriate response is, or say that the 'Of COURSE' (or whatever the phrase of the week was) sounds mean or whatever.

He probably doesn't know how it sounds when it comes out of his mouth, but most kids do know what hurt feelings feel like.

Like I said, YMMV.

[Velma]

I've got two of these, but of different flavors.

One is an emotional information miser who Doesn't Want To Talk About It. Ever. Except perhaps after delaying bedtime until she's wrung out, exhausted, and teary.

The other is a always sunny and happy, except when he's not. He always answers "GREAT!" to every inquiry, and then I get ambushed by the notes in his backpack stating he "cried easily" or "had a rough day."

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I, too, wanted to marry someone once. I don't recall ever telling her what I ate during snack time, either. Evidently, this is a 'guy thing'. Scott can confirm.

[Terri]

My son turned 18 last Tuesday and seems to feel that there is some law(federal he believes)that states that he doesn't have to listen to us anymore(us being parents). When Spencer's parents said he couldn't go to Native New Yorker to watch Monday Night Football I said,"See, Spencer listens to his parents." "That is because he isn't 18." "Spencer will listen to his parents when he's 40", I said. "That's because he's Spencer." At least he doesn't throw himself to the ground anymore, so I guess my point is you have something to look forward to.

[kate]

Oh the secrecy. When the heck did 6 year olds turn into sullen teenagers?? I came up with a game to get information out of my daughter because I got so irritated with the one syllable answers.

Here's what we did: We'd each tell 3 "stories" about our day and the other had to guess which one was correct. So she might say "Josh threw up during gym. OR I saw a dog with only three legs on the playground. OR The new girl tought me how to spell my name in sign language." And then I had to guess which one really happened.

Hey, it's not much but it's somethin'.

[Becky]

My daughter puts her hands on her hips and talks snotty to me. Only today, she put one hand on her hip (the other was carrying *stuff*) to say something nice. She vacillates between excessive detail and the phrase "I don't remember".

Her little sister is totally copying the too much/too little info behavior, but hasn't figured out the snotty teenager attitude yet.

[dana]

Alice, I have an request unrelated to your post: when you & Eden's book comes out, can you pleeease have a signing/reading at the Tea Lounge, or someplace else in Brooklyn? I was all set to go to your thing on Friday, and was very excited to meet one of my favorite bloggers in person, but my daughter's preschool orientation meeting (which was basically useless -- separation anxiety exists, bring a change of clothing, yada yada, I get it) went way long and I had to miss your entire thing. I can only comfort myself with the assumption that surely, next time you're in print, you'll come back to your old 'hood, right?

[amber]

Whenever you track that person down that taught him to respond like that, let me know, 'cause they taught my daughter the same thing.

[mrsmouthy]

IF ONLY my child would simple say "of course." He has been taught to answer with "abso-fruitly" instead!

[stephanie]

heeheeheehee.

you kill me.

[Nicole]

Funny my first thought was - at least you're getting the information. Mine's in 1st and I get nothin' or even better, completely contradictory information day to day.

[ame i.]

Gee, lady, what are you thinkin? The nerve of you and your questions!;) The day you don't ask, though, ooo, I would NOT want to be you.

[Carrie]

I used to just ignore this kind of commentary from my 4-year-old and continue with forced gaiety a la Bree on "Desperate Housewives." Then I picked up a few older (like, published when I was a kid in the '70s and '80s) parenting books. One of them is called "Stopping Backtalk" or something like that.

The book ruled all that kind of sarcasm, eye rolling, etc. as "backtalk." It never occured to me that this was a crime for which I could issue punishment. But I tried out the book's advice, and it made the backtalk go away. Sure, it still rears its head, but then I just revert to the book's teachings, which are shockingly harsh in today's parenting climate and therefore shockingly enjoyable to administer.

What's the technique? Well, you have to have some fun things scheduled, or at least having something going on that the kid wants to do. Because when they roll their eyes or speak rudely to you, you just sigh and say, "You know, that kind of talk makes me feel bad and it really tires me out. Because you spoke to me that way, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to take you to Imelda's house tonight." Or whatever.

No warnings or nothin'. I looooove it.

OK, and now I have broken the cardinal mommyblog rule and dished out advice. I'm sorry! But I did love that little book.

[Carrie]

Am feeling the need for disclaimers: I'm not saying everyone should categorize such-and-such behavior as backtalk, or that you, Alice, should be doing what I did. I'm just saying that it feels great when you move a behavior from the category of "must be borne with motherly fortitude" to, "can and will be stopped."

[suburbancorrespondent]

I'm with Carrie - Ray Guarendi gives the same advice. He has 10 kids, so the man has done his field research.

[Michelle]

I love hearing how children go through phases. I can only hope my own go through the same ones so I can sit and reflect on with with a mixture of humor and frustration.

[Anne]

As annoyed as I was with our time spent at Montessori (teacher problems), the one thing I learned although it was so difficult to enact was to NOT ASK about their day. There is a lot going on, so to speak, in their still-developing brains and they need their own time to process it all before they're ready to share it with you. Take that as you will. My daughter was like Henry when she was in preschool, and now that she's in 1st grade I hear the minutest detail about all 21 of her classmates (did you know Sophie doesn't like apples? And Caden puts gel in his hair! etc., etc.) when I just wanted a general overview!

[Astrogirl426]

Can I top that? Why yes, yes I can.

Bunker Monkey's preferred method of responding is, of late, "Whatever."

I'm so sorry, did I accidentally birth a teenaged girl when I wasn't looking? I know the kid was eleven pounds, but really, this is just too much.

[Deanna]

Wow, the one time I dared to sass my mother like that, I lost TV for a week and had to write a one-page essay on respecting one's elders. I was five. :) "No lying, no backtalk and no whining" were the cardinal rules at our house and you broke them at the expense of your fanny. Lying was the worst--automatic loss of all privileges plus written apology, sarcasm and eye rolling second worst--automatic restricted privileges for a week, lectures, written apology, and whining was an automatic loss of privileges for a day. It sounds Draconian, but damn if we weren't respectful.

[kimblahg]

oh yes, my third grader will only tell me about his day to stall bedtime or beg for money. "buuuut mooooom! i dropped my lunch tray and it was the worst day of my life". ahhh, kids.

[TitanKT]

My kid used to want to marry me. He used to say that all the time. One time I said to him, "Aw, honey, that is so sweet! But son's don't marry their moms." And he asked why not (of course). And I told him they just don't, but he shouldn't worry about it because by the time he was old enough to get married he would for sure not *want* to marry me. He looked shocked and horrified and almost kind of hurt and said, "What do you mean?!" Isn't that adorable?!! And I am going to take great delight in reminding him of that when he announces he's gotten engaged. Heh.

[Tammy]

Oh my god, my preschooler also wants to marry me but won't tell me about his days. Are the two traits linked somehow?

[Sara]

Has he been watching Napoleon Dynamite?

[MotherhoodTheUltimateSurvivor]

We don't have the "of course" conversations. Ours are more along the lines of "nothing" and "fine" and my personal favorite, the "I don't remember" conversations.

What did you do at school today?

Nothing.

How was recess?

Fine.

Who did you play with?

I can't remember

[Jen]

"Rue the day? Who talks like that?" - "Real Genius". Now, I will have pull quotes in my head all day. Thanks, Alice!

[bessie.viola]

I am simaltaneously laughing and horrified. It starts this quickly? I thought I had to wait until the teenage years to be introduced to eye-rolling and indignance... Alice, say it ain't so!!

[SarahThe]

I hurt for my parents when your posts allow me retrospectives about what I put them through.

[gorillabuns]

I wait for my five yr old to tell her 3 yr old sister about her day. This is the only way I get any info.

[Imanitsud]

Kindergarden: learning how to act way older than you are while being taught things way younger than you are. Seriously, though, my daughter turned into a little pain in the neck. She was a grump, spoiled, mean, crys-a-lot girl for the first three quarters of kindergarden, and I still don't quite get it. She'd been in daycare 3 days a week, 8 hours a day her whole life up until then, and suddenly a half day for 5 days was too much? Oy. And before that, she'd always been a really *good* kid; friendly, helpful, sweet, funny, cooperative. I was really at wits end. We started more days than I care to remember with arguments. Although, I am happy to report that second grade has started off with a very pleasant bang.

[Holly]

My son never wanted to tell me anything in preschool. He would only talk about his day at dinner and that conversation would maybe last five minutes at most. Now that he's in kindergarten I get soooo much information. Of course, we're only two weeks in. I won't at all be surprised if this changes by next month. My only problem with all the info is that sometimes it drifts into fantasy territory. My son seems to acquire superhero powers from time to time. It makes me wonder if some of the more plausible stories are embellished too.

[lurky mommy]

My daughter is in K this year and "can't remember" anything that happens until bedtime, when every single detail of her day comes spilling out. Even when my little darling punched a kid last week for telling her she couldn't run fast, it was gone from her memory until I told her that the teacher had to tell me things like that. Then her selective amnesia was cured as we discussed bullies and the zero-tolerance violence policy. Yikes! My son is in first grade and has been silent since he started pre-school 3 years ago. He just started this: he gets in the car and says, "OK mom, what questions do you have today" knowing by now that I'm going to keep asking whether he is talking or not and wanting to get it all over with as soon as possible. We try very hard to have dinner together every night, even if it means slamming down chicken nuggets 5 minutes before soccer. Because that is our set aside time all together, we started "best and worst" a few years ago to find out what was going on with our son during preschool. We have to listen without judgement to the best and worst events of the day and then share our own and often this leads to a good discussion about how to handle social situations like second-graders making fun of your underpants in the bathroom or how to stand up to a little meanie without punching him, or just laughing at whatever "best" funny thing happened that day. It's been great for our family.

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

Persevere, lady. If you give up, they won't talk to you again until they are 25.

[Kelley]

Holy Freakin' Crap. That Nerve essay was soooo funny! Although I almost hurt myself when I choked on my coffee at the phrase "labial folds"......

[Robin]

Enjoyed the nervy essay Alice! At thirteen (and I realize this is a totally different animal than a five-year-old) my son has taken to answering every question with a shrug. And nothing else. I do remember him becoming a sullen teen around the age of six and then re-emerging as a pretty pleasant preteen for a few years.

[Sarcasta-Mom]

I'm lucky if I can get anything but one word responces from my second grader.

[susi]

At least I'm not alone in the world of the Kindergarten mommies!! While I'm getting a few tidbits, I might be better off not asking when I recall last week's exchange about who sits at his table:
Me: "So, do you have fun with the kids that sit at your table?"
D: "Well, my friend told me his daddy is in prison"
Me: "Oh. I hope you are nice to S every day"
D: "I try mom, but sometimes he is grumpy"
Me: (not sure what to say, stumbling...) "Well, sometimes things make you grumpy"
Next day we're riding in the car and out of the blue he says--
D: "Mom, Can I tell you something? -- It's not my friend's Daddy that is in prison, it is his sister's Daddy"
Ah -- the plot thickens.

I'm lucky to have one just starting preschool so I can remember to enjoy the innocence too!!

[Astrogirl426]

Oh Susi, I have to say I laughed out loud when I read your comment. "It's not my friend's daddy, it is his sister's daddy."

The next revelation will probably be, "He and his sister have different daddys."

I find when I am given information that I simply have no response for, "That's interesting," is usually the best response. Feel free to borrow! :)

[Anne]

Ooooh, Susi, I had one like that last year helping out in my daughter's kindergarten class - lining up to wash hands before lunch, little miss L says "yeah, my daddy is in jail. He knocked someone down and then kicked them." What else can you say but "okay L, your turn to wash your hands!"

[Beth]

Dang, my daughter is TWO and she does this crap. "Did you have fun at preschool?" "Yup." "What was your favorite thing?" "Snack." "Who did you play with?" "Michael." And so on. And then, out of the blue: "A little boy threw up red because he ate strawberries and his mommy helped him and he was coughing but then he started to barf and it was all red and why did he barf? Why, Mommy? Why? Why? Why did he barf?" And with 2-year-olds you have to tell (or hear them tell) every story hundreds of times, and answer every "why," and jeezus.

How much preschool tuition do you pay for a detailed report at the end of every day?!

[Ashley]

My niece does the same thing. I guess it must be a five year old thing and not the result of her being a sassy little punk. I have two boys (2 yrs and 4 months) so I was just thinking it was a girl thing. But I guess it's another phase I have to look forward too.

[dawn]

Henry is flippin awesome.

[Mignon]

Oh, that last line. How I wish I could have said it. (That's been my issue with writing lately - reading too much good stuff and thinking, "Oh well, now I can never use that analogy.")

[Amy]

My Kidlet is three, and she rolls her eyes with such... disgust... that I'm concerned she might injure herself.