Heather B. came over for a pre-Ikea visit the other day. In honor of her visit, I baked awful pumpkin muffins and made her eat one. I'm usually a good baker, I swear, but these were just weird. I ate two.
I thought for sure that Henry would be all over Heather, but lately he's been shy around the ladies, and since Scott was working from home, he stayed upstairs and convinced Scott to complete some Star Wars Mad Libs with him. ("Then Darth POOP raised his light TOILET and FARTED Obi Wan MOMMY.") So we had the morning to ourselves, and while attempting to digest my alarmingly dense muffins, we had a lovely chat about Heather's career, her hopes and dreams, her travels, her radiant youth, etc.
As for me, I talked about my pets. Heather seemed a bit...concerned.
Heather: I think you might be in this house a little too much.
Me: Look, Charlie thinks he's going to get some muffin. He's looking at me like, "I won't think they're gross! Promise!"
Heather: Have you considered getting an office job?
Me: The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff. So that sort of rules out offices.
Heather: You could volunteer! That would get you out!
Me: Heh, the cat's sitting at the table. Like she's people! No, kitty, you're not getting any muffin. Stop looking at me like that. Okay, maybe a little piece.
Heather: This is just sad.
Me: You know, I made up two different voices for my dog, but no voices for the cat. I don't know why that is. I just don't think she'd put up with me making up voices for her.
Weird, right? That that behavior would concern her? Youngsters! What do they know.
It occurred to me after she left that this is another reason why I need to move back to the city. Because right now these two are the only beings I have substantial conversations with throughout the day. If I'm going to devote my day to Writing, only Writing, I need to be able to occasional wander out of the house and see SOMEONE.
Sure, I could do this "office work" Heather suggests, but that always ends in tears and lawsuits, and also this is the only thing I'm any good at.
Meanwhile, you should see the cute thing my dog is doing right now. He's all curled up in the sun, getting warm! Like a furry, adorable reptile!
Hmmm. If your end of the conversation seems perfectly natural to me (other than that I cannot imagine why you have no voices for the cat!), does that mean I should get out of the house more? Just wondering.
Posted by: Marisa | November 17, 2008 at 02:28 PM
Sad can be cute!
Posted by: Sprite's Keeper | November 17, 2008 at 02:29 PM
Heh. I know what you mean. I work from home full-time for a corporation 800 miles away. I have a difficult time not mentioning one of the four cats when I'm talking with a coworker. This wouldn't go over so well: "umm, no, uhh, hold on, my cat is in the way of the monitor, oh, shoot, he just stepped on the keyboard and closed my browser. Here, come to my lap, kitty. Oh, he's sooooo fluffy in the winter. Do you have any cats?"
In fact, I have to lock two of them out of the house before a phone conference -- the talkative one and the one that likes to make the other two hiss.
Posted by: kim | November 17, 2008 at 02:34 PM
I say human interaction is highly overrated. My dogs say WAY funnier things than my people friends ever do.
Posted by: Sarah | November 17, 2008 at 02:38 PM
My husband and I have a voice for our Chihuhua. It's sorta Hugo the Abominable Snowman meets Marvin Martian.
We haven't given my cat any particular voice, but she DOES talk - most often to curse at the rest of us. :)
Thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: tootie | November 17, 2008 at 03:01 PM
hi! i've just discovered you (from facebook of all places!) and have decided that I decidedly love you. Decidedly so.
Posted by: emery jo | November 17, 2008 at 03:07 PM
I'm all for you staying in the house all day every day if it continues to result in hilariously entertaining reading for me. I don't have animals so I am forced to leave the house occasionally for social interaction, and I've gotta tell ya, it's not that great. Perhaps I should look into getting a cat.
Posted by: DiaryofWhy | November 17, 2008 at 03:13 PM
I can't talk to my cat. She's deaf and doesn't even pretend to listen to me anymore.
Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | November 17, 2008 at 03:34 PM
Heh. My pets actually DO talk back (3 parrots). This morning I woke up to "Mom! What are you doing?" and my kids have been out of the house for YEARS.
Posted by: derfina | November 17, 2008 at 03:53 PM
Hermits rock.
Posted by: hi kooky | November 17, 2008 at 04:11 PM
I miss Heather...
She is pretty good at speaking her mind...maybe she has a point?
;)
Posted by: Angella | November 17, 2008 at 04:12 PM
Office jobs bite.
How about an art class? Life drawing is always good when you don't like people. You get to laugh at them with their clothes off.
Yoga classes are good too, because you don't actually have to speak until after the class is over.
Seriously, Heather is right. If you'd like to change how you feel about going out, you need to start going out. The enjoyment will come in time. Get some fresh air, exercise and human contact and see what a difference it makes.
Posted by: Fairstar | November 17, 2008 at 04:27 PM
Puck, our terrier mutt, has an India accent. ;-)
Posted by: Tasty | November 17, 2008 at 04:30 PM
^ Indian
Posted by: Tasty | November 17, 2008 at 04:31 PM
what am i chopped liver? although i may be just as boring as your dog or cat...
Posted by: aubrey | November 17, 2008 at 09:00 PM
After 17 years, I'm beginning to realize that I need to get out of the house a bit, too. Before I start talking to myself...
Wait - I already do that.
Posted by: suburbancorrespondent | November 17, 2008 at 10:22 PM
Down with office jobs! As a youngster who is currently battling the job market herself, I can assure you that you are best off chatting with your cozy pets in the privacy of your own home. In my one year in the workforce, I have developed quite an aversion to offices. It is making it rather challenging to find a job, let me tell you... Enjoy your pets and home and seclusion and muffins! And if you really are concerned about staving off boredom, I would recommend shopping, lunching, and some kind of class... Good luck :)
Posted by: Kathryn | November 17, 2008 at 10:57 PM
"Sad can be cute!"
I tHINK SO!
Posted by: Jane Choo | November 17, 2008 at 11:08 PM
New bumper sticker:
"The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff."
Posted by: Charlie Hills | November 18, 2008 at 12:07 AM
You are me, and we are not scary! We are empathetic with the animal world! We are sensitive beings! Or, we need to get out more.
Damn those young whippersnappers.
Posted by: schmutzie | November 18, 2008 at 12:44 AM
Charlie Hills, I love that bumper sticker. Only I'd cut off the bit that says "The problem is."
Alice, the funniest story I had to share with Ian one day last week was that of the neighbour's kitten scampering into our house, only to run out again two minutes later followed by our cat with a thunderous look on its face!!1! He didn't laugh. I live ten minutes from London's glittering West End. It can happen to you anywhere.
Posted by: Antonia | November 18, 2008 at 06:55 AM
I feel like you just described me. I work from home and talk to my cats/make my cats talk. (I have two cats, but they have the same voice. Weird.) (Also, I've had that exact conversation about the cat sitting on the chair at the table as though she is going to eat with us. Sad.) Good luck with selling your house!
Posted by: Barb | November 18, 2008 at 08:39 AM
Like any good parent you are paying attention to your children.
Your adopted children in fur coats.
I made pumkin cookies and they also came out inedible. After i ate the entire batch I started to think: maybe it's the pumpkin?
Posted by: LVMud@aol.com | November 18, 2008 at 09:31 AM
People are overrated. Eccentricity...now that's a hidden gem.
Posted by: Cat | November 18, 2008 at 10:41 AM
I think we have the same kid. Seriously, everything you post about Henry is EXACTLY what my 6-1/2-year-old just started doing the day before. I also think MadLibs was invented just to give kids an excuse to say "poop." I know that's what we used it for when I discovered them at the age of 8. But 6 is the new 8, of course.
Also, I've made up a voice for my IMAGINARY cat -- the one I'm hoping to get after I make enough room in the laundry room for the cat to poop in it. (Heh. Poop.)
Posted by: kris | November 18, 2008 at 11:18 AM
My mother (who is crazy in so many ways) actually thinks her cat speaks to her. And that if she says words that start with an M instead of the actual letter, that the cat understands what she says. She actually introduced me to the cat, saying "Mis is Mane, my Mitten". Yeah.
So, you've got a ways to go until it gets BAD! But I'd rather have a secret language with my cats than sit in this urine colored cubicle without even a hint of window anywhere in sight.
Posted by: Jane | November 18, 2008 at 11:26 AM
I found this post extremely charming. :)
Posted by: Sonja | November 18, 2008 at 12:21 PM
I work from home . . . and I just woke up from a nap. I don't think there's enough money in the world to make me go back to a cube. I used to work in a place where they made us go to "fundatory" meetings. Seriously. Cats are way better company. Especially since they're always up for a nap, too!
Posted by: Kristen | November 18, 2008 at 02:02 PM
yea, i go way berserker if i don't leave the house.
i'm all for hating people, because i do... but leaving the house at least to trash-talk them under your breath is advisable.
Posted by: sarah | November 18, 2008 at 03:37 PM
My cats and dogs talk.
The three cats say, "Open the door. Shut the door. I want in. Now I want out. Feed me. Scratch there. No, there. No, there. LEAVE ME ALONE! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
And the dog says, "Food? How about food now. Now? How about now?" when she's indoors and "What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Wait! Gotta pee! What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?" when we're out.
I gotta go to the office just to get some piece and quiet.
Posted by: Dawn | November 18, 2008 at 06:10 PM
I can't say much. At my house, we totally make up conversations for the animals. (I probably need to get out of the house more, too; however, that is completely irrelevant.) I figure that we feed them and give them a good home and dote all over them, the least they can do is suffer us putting words into their mouth, right? ^_^
Posted by: Brekke | November 18, 2008 at 09:07 PM
I loved this:
"I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff."
Sums up MY feelings toward my office job! No wonder I hate going there.
Anyway, I totally relate to the talking to the animals. I do it all the time. I also talk back to the radio when it's on a talk station where I disagree with the host.
Posted by: Mauigirl | November 18, 2008 at 09:57 PM
"The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff. So that sort of rules out offices."
God. Yes.
Posted by: ozma | November 18, 2008 at 11:38 PM
Bossy lives in fear of seeing people by day. She'd have to change out of her sweatpants, the ones with the bulging knees.
Posted by: BOSSY | November 19, 2008 at 08:16 PM
You. Are. So. Funny.
Really, a delight to read!
Posted by: me | November 20, 2008 at 05:44 PM
speaking of baking I love to bake and I have some very good pumpkin cookie recep.let me know if anyone wants them
Posted by: 7x7 | November 20, 2008 at 07:42 PM
hmm this is the very reason I have no friends...they all think I have lost my mind in the land of "mommy/wife"
Posted by: jenn | November 20, 2008 at 09:59 PM
This is funny not just because this all really happened but because I then spent the following week wishing I could spend my days just talking to my dog and cat. They're both agreeable and adorable and don't talk back or say stupid things. Wanna trade?
Posted by: Heather B. | November 21, 2008 at 12:15 AM
Ha, I totally talk to my pets like that, too.
Posted by: Courtney | November 21, 2008 at 02:33 PM
hmm weird, this comment: Posted by: 7x7 | November 20, 2008 at 07:42 PM
hmm this is the very reason I have no friends...they all think I have lost my mind in the land of "mommy/wife"
was actually mine, but it is directed to some weird ass page..and this comment:Posted by: jenn | November 20, 2008 at 09:59 PM
This is funny not just because this all really happened but because I then spent the following week wishing I could spend my days just talking to my dog and cat. They're both agreeable and adorable and don't talk back or say stupid things. Wanna trade?
is not mine, but has my name linked to it...strange
Posted by: jenn | November 21, 2008 at 05:06 PM
Friends don't tell friends to get office jobs.
Posted by: Steph | November 21, 2008 at 08:07 PM
Animals voice overs are the new black this season.
Posted by: Rhea | November 23, 2008 at 05:21 PM
Did you tell her that blogging IS your office job? That's what I tell people.
Posted by: Kylie w Warszawie | November 24, 2008 at 06:45 AM
People are this double-edged sword for writers, I think. They're annoying as heck, but without 'em, you haven't got quite so much to write about.
Posted by: Kimberly | November 29, 2008 at 12:10 AM
I'm feeling blue today and your post gave me a much needed smile. I work in an office, with actual people, but I have a crazy obsession with my dog. I tell way too many stories about him, and when we're at the dog park, I'm all: "Oh look, he's saying he's fed up with that Border Collie nipping him on the butt!" And I think even the dog people think I'm nuts ...
Posted by: Kim | December 01, 2008 at 11:17 AM
These two sentences from your post explains my life: "The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff. So that sort of rules out offices."
Thank you for explaining my life in two sentences.
Posted by: Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy | December 01, 2008 at 05:21 PM
Is everyone who is writing on this blog, who works at home, a writer? I'm just wondering how you go about doing that? I work in an office and can't imagine giving up being able to work from home to come to an office. No, thank you. There are at least a million better things to do to have some outside social time rather than go work in an office. :-)
Posted by: Michele | December 03, 2008 at 10:36 AM
WHAT is wrong with me that I do not understand Mad Libs? No one has ever explained to me how they work and I guess I've never asked. Anyone want to explain them? I sware I'm goode with wurds and stuff like that. I'd cach on real qwick.
Posted by: Natasha | December 04, 2008 at 05:55 PM