Ah, boys.

So I'm on my way out for a walk the other day, and I stop in to tell Henry and his friend Sam that I am not, as it seems, leaving them all alone, as Scott is upstairs working. Henry replies, "Dad's here? Great, that means we can do whatever we want."
"And what, exactly, would that be?" I ask.
"Poop on the couch," Henry says. Needless to say, this cracks Sam's shit right up, and the two of them roll around on the floor, making jokes about couches and poop and pooping on couches as I locate my iPod and head out the door.

As Charlie the Dog drags me down the sidewalk, I turn on my third-favorite podcast, You Look Nice Today—the first and second being, respectively, The Sound of Young America and Jordan, Jesse Go!, although really, I don't like to rank my favorites, it's so crass—and the first thing I hear is guest John Hodgman saying, "Maybe I should come to your house and poop on your couch."

Couch-pooping jokes ensue. Meanwhile, I think deep thoughts about boys turning into men, men remaining boys, and that no matter what, the couch will always and forever remain the funniest furniture item upon which to imagine one's self pooping.

The End.

Comments

[Hope]

My great-grandmother had an incident at my grandfather's house. On his couch. She pooped.

I still laugh.

[The Window Seat]

What I love about this is that you didn't even flinch at the suggestion that dad lets him do anything...including pooping on the couch.

Oh men!

[suburbancorrespondent]

Really? I thought it was the coffee table...

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Personally I think pooping on the ottoman has a nice ring to it.

[Carrie]

Once, in college, I went with my parents to a reunion with my dad's hillbilly side of the family. ONe of the many stories that blew my comparitively patrician little mind started like this: "Remember the time Paw almost shit on Maw?"

Apparently my dad's grandpaw came home one night so drunk that he confused his living room for the bathroom. He dropped trow and seated himself on the couch -- right where his wife happened to be sleeping.

It was an eye-opening weekend.

[Karen Dahl]

laughed. out. loud. my son just turned one. he has just started going under chairs and tables to poop (in his diaper). i can now add pooping on the couch to my list of crazy fears about him growing up.

[hi kooky]

I've had one too many dreams that deal with inappropriate places and pee (or trying to find a place to pee). I'm glad to leave this sort of excrement-furniture brainstorming to the boys.

[Dad Gone Mad]

I believe Pooping On The Ottoman is opening for Panic At The Disco.

[Jessica]

My best friend did it once at a friend's house where she was sleeping on the floor. She got really drunk and when she woke up, she was laying in a pool of urine and there was a turd on the sofa. It really is a great comfort; whenever my husband and I have done something stupid or embarrassing we remind ourselves that we have never shit on anyone's couch. Not even our own (knock on wood).

[Brian]

My girls poop behind the couch. They have more decorum. And by decorum, I mean I've made them ashamed of their bodies and bodily functions.

[Charlie Hills]

Most people don't realize that the original full title of Dale Carnegie's book was, "Pooping on the Couch: How To Win Friends and Influence People."

[Ally]

I was so totally unaware that an entire category of couch-pooping jokes was out there in the world. Can't really say I think I'm better off for knowing now, but it's...interesting?

[lmariea]

My finace insists that it's built into the Y chromosome to find poop hilarious. Always has and always will be, for him. On the bright side, I save up any poop-related stories I hear especially for him, knowing I will be able to make him fall over laughing without fail.

Like this one, a friend of a friend kinda tale:

Girl goes out to bar, gets drunk, and gets picked up buy a guy. They go back to his place. In the morning, he has to leave for work, but he tells her to take her time getting ready to go. "Just lock the door when you leave," he tells her. They had a good time, so they exchange phone numbers.

So she hangs out, watches some TV, goes to the bathroom ... and the toilet doesn't flush. So ... she gets the poop out of the toilet and puts it in a plastic bag to take with her. Writes a note saying "Hey thanks for everything. BTW, your toilet is broken." And then she locks the door and leaves.

And only when she is outside does she remember that she forgot the plastic bag. Full of poop. On the counter.

Nice.

[Anneli]

Well, of course! Why wouldn't pooping on the couch be hilarious to imagine? XD

[Lynn W]

As a mom of a 1 year old boy... you've made me afraid, very afraid. Top that onto the fear of farting and the fact that he slaps me silling as a show of affection....I will go hide my head in the sand now.

[Cat]

For some reason, I imagined the dining room table as holding that honor. Hmmm must reconsider...

[Lorrie Veasey]

This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase
"That piece of shit?"
Which I often use to refer to my own Jenny Convertible Couch.

[kate]

Wait a minute. There is life outside of "This American Life"??

Off to find Alice's favorite podcasts....

[the cheap chick]

See?!?! I KNEW there was a reason why I bought a leather couch! It can't be destroyed by adolescent pooping boys! And I say you should be prepared for any occasion.

[Melanie]

My 2 year old son once pooped on the coffee table while I was on a conference call for work. Before I could mute the phone to intervene, my dog ate it. I am still too haunted by this image to work from home anymore. My husband thought the whole thing was hilarious.

[MamaCass]

As long as Dad is also the one to clean it up...

[Jerri Ann]

I kid you not, that would happen at my house, my kids (both boys) laugh about stuff like that all the time. Why is it funny to call each other "poopy head"? I'll never know.....

[Dani]

Boys are so easily amused. And mostly about poop.

[patois]

If the couch is brown, okay. Otherwise...

[Karen]

Yeah, they don't outgrow it, and I love it. Nothing like my husband and son (14) discussing farts and poop for hours on end. They make me laugh so much my stomach muscles get sore!

[Zinzy]

I thought that was in the morning under the covers. Or maybe that was just farting. Or burping.

[Julie @ Letter9]

hmm. interesting. my boy's still in the poop denial stage: he'll be all stinky and i'll say, "did you poop" and he'll look at me and smile and lie: "no." then sometimes for emphasis: "no no no" while shaking the whole top half of his body.

[Léonie]

I feel a bit sad that I will never find bodily functions funny. I find lots of things funny, but just not toilet humour. I think it makes me seem prudish and prim, but I'm not really. I just... well. I leave that one for the boys and the cool girls while I think about ponies and glitter.

[Kirsetin]

Between your post and Carrie's comment, I'm having a great laugh today. Ahhh, boys!

[jen]

oh just wait until year nine rolls around and balls become the irresistible topic of every. single. joke.

[Heather]

I might be OK with pooping on the couch, if it means my 3-yr-old will stop pooping in his pants.

Sigh.

[Carol]

OMG. Melanie, your post made me laugh out loud so hard I snorted. I have had many traumatizing experiences with poop and my now 4-year-old daughter, but that one takes the cake. I think I have to go throw up now.

[Arielle]

I wanted to thank you for those podcast recommendations. I started laughing out loud yesterday at times when laughing was not appropriate, and it was awesome.
So, thanks!

[Natasha]

Charlie Hills' comment made me laugh out loud. That was awesome. Patois is second runner up.

[Haley-O]

We're all about pooping in the BATHTUB at my house....... grrrr....

[BOSSY]

Bossy forgot about pooping. Not, like, in her own life, but you know what she means.

[Sondra]

I feel so much better now knowing that my 6 year old and his friend are not the only ones constantly cracking up about poop and make up crazy Star Wars stories.....Boys are so odd.... :)

[Kathleen]

I recently overhead this conversation between my three year old daughter and her beloved daddy: "Tessa, what did you do at school today?" "Pooped your head off!"
Girls love poop too!

[Susannah]

oh my gosh. my five year old and his friends talk about poop and farting all the time! boys!

by the way, you were right -- my son LOVED the video of Henry and his dancing. we watched it over and over until daddy finally wanted the computer back. thanks for sharing it!

[Dorothy Stahlnecker]

My grandsons love to joke and laugh about farting and doing it to each other...they are a riot and I usually pretend I don't hear them..

Boys are always boys..even when they grow up..

Dorothy from grammology
http://grammology.com

[Dijea]

OMG, I have a 5 & 7 year old and the big thing is:

How do you spell apple? A-p-p-l-e. Then Ha!ha! you said pee-pee. Why are boys so bathroom oriented? I'll never understand them!

[honesty*rain]

a coincidence like this would have me telling this story to everyone i know for the rest of my life. coincidence does that to me.

kids and poop humor go together like peanut butter and jam. i am inclined to discourage it because i just don't find it funny but my son's grade two teacher thinks poop humor is a real gas (haha) and so he's even more enthralled with it now. excellence. what ARE they teaching kids at school these days?

[Wendy]

The other day I was Christmas shopping and my mom said, "How about some Tinker Toys?" I said, "No way, they'll poke each other eyes out!"

There were two other moms in the aisle with us and they whipped their heads around and looked at me. I chuckled, a little embarrassed that I'd yelled that down the aisle. "Um, I have two boys..." as if that justified me yelling about eye poking.

One woman touched me on the shoulder and said, "Honey, I've got EIGHT." The other woman laughed and said, "I've got three."

Between the four of us in the aisle we had 15 boys we'd raise or were raising!

Do we ever know about poop! :)

[Courtney]

Wow, who knew that pooping on couches was so... in.

[ozma]

I have a girl and I hate to tell you this isn't a boy thing. This is how she bonds with other 4 year olds. It's also her social test. Would they find a comment like that endlessly hilarious? Then they are her kind of people...

[Angelawd]

You make me SO GLAD I'm raising girls.

[Deb on the Rocks]

As the mother of two teen boys, all I could think was poor you, Alice, can't even get away from it on your iPod!

And then I read the hilarious comments. We all will never be free bowel humor. Never. It must serve some deep human survival role, right? Right?

[Aarika]

This blog entry made me realize that we rank our podcasts almost exactly in the same (crassness aside) way. Except I put Never Not Funny first. And then the rest. But I don't rank either so let's just hug all the funny nerds. Hugggggg.

[Angie]

My daughter Maddie who is 14, comes to me the other day and says, "mom, the boys in my class are so immature, when do they ever grow up?" Right on cue, her dad who is 40, lifts his ass off the kitchen chair, rips a huge fart and proceeds to laugh himself silly. Maddie and I look at each other and I say, "any other questions?"

[Tammy]

I'm very late in commenting (because I know you have high expectations, personally, for my punctuality), but I have to tell you that yesterday my almost-four-year-old nattered away about robots to me from the moment he woke up until I dropped him off at preschool. Then I came home and got my husband to drive me to an appointment, and he nattered away about robots during the entire car ride. Boys, indeed.