How many neurotics does it take to make a fire?

Alice: Hey, why don't we make a fire?
Scott: Why would we do that?
Alice: Because fires are nice.
Scott: I was going to work…
Alice: You could work right here, right by the fire.
Scott: eyes Alice with suspicion.
Alice: Okay, if you don't want to—
Scott: No, let's do it. Okay.
He goes to retrieve the logs and kindling, because Alice is a princess who does not wish to dirty her princess hands.
Scott: I should have cleaned out the fireplace, it's filled with ash.
Alice: Don't forget to open the flue.
Scott: Can you get the newspaper sections we don't read?
Alice: Business and Sports, coming up.
There is crumpling.
Alice: These pages have colored ink on them. Are you supposed to burn colored ink? Isn't that like a carcinogen or something?
Scott: It's fine.
Alice: And you opened the flue?
Scott sighs.
Finally, there is something like a fire.
5 seconds later…
Scott: What did you do with the carbon monoxide detector?
Alice: It's in the basement, somewhere.
Scott: You took it out and I saw it down there, I saw it and I thought, that's a weird place for it to be but I didn't get it, and now I can't remember where it is, and we're probably going to poison ourselves.
Alice: There's one upstairs. That's enough, right? Do we need one down here, too?
Scott heads down to the basement.
He returns with no carbon monoxide detector. Meanwhile, the fire is almost out.
Scott: The fire's almost out.
Alice: I know, but see how there's that little bit in the back? I thought maybe if I left it alone it would come back.
Scott, sighing, restarts the fire and returns to the couch.
12 seconds later…
Scott: Are you feeling light-headed?
Alice: I was just thinking that. Crap.
Alice heads down to the basement, and returns with the carbon monoxide detector. She plugs it in. They watch it anxiously.
Alice: It's 0.
Scott: I still feel weird.
10 minutes later.
Alice: I'm going to bed.
Scott: Is the carbon monoxide making you tired?
Alice: Look, it's still 0. I'm just tired.
They look at the fire.
Alice: Can we leave it?
They attempt to stamp out the fire, using their various fire-related implements, but on it burns.
Alice: Now that we want it to go out, it won't go out.
Scott: It'll be fine.
Alice: Right. The smoke alarm is right there. It's fine, right? Right.
They go to bed, eyeing the dying embers nervously. Somehow, they all survive.
The next evening…
Scott: Did your lungs hurt you all day?
Alice: We're never making a fire again, are we.
Scott: I didn't say that, why would you say that?

Comments

[Smalltown Mom]

Oh, dear. We don't even have a carbon monoxide detector. And my husband loves his fires. I'm thinking I need to make a trip to the hardware store.

[Joan]

My brother-in-law once tried to get our stove really, really clean. By using rubbing alcohol.

Oops.

[Grace]

I just made a fire over the weekend. I never thought about CO2. oops.

[Emma]

That was...bizarre. And yet hilarious.

I've never really thought about carbon monoxide - they make detectors for that? No kidding.

[Sprite's Keeper]

I guess it takes 2 neurotics to second-guess a fire..

[Amanda]

People have survived for years without carbon monoxide detectors. I think we'll all be fine.

[Marinka]

I'm not feeling that great myself. Thanks a lot.

[bikerchick]

Oh you guys crack me up! I have a gorgeous hearth in my family room that is the whole width of the house and all sparkly quartz. Being a cathedral ceiling about 15' high, it's the perfect room for a fire. But noooooo!!! I go through the same rigamarole imagining that the house will fill with noxious smoke and spazzily trying to put it out. Then I'm left having to clean the ash out and I swear every time I'll never burn another one. Then we get some snow and well, it's kind of obligatory for mood setting! Thanks for the crack up story.

[the sassy kathy]

hahahaha love it! you sound like me, neurotic #1. eh, who needs a fire anyway? it just ends up getting drafty and making the whole house smell like a barbeque bit anyway...

[Caroline]

I read this entire post thinking that the title was "How many narcotics does it take to make a fire?"

[Holly]

That was hilarious! Thanks for the good laugh.
We are in an old (1925) house, and people are always asking us if we're going to return our fireplaces to 'working' fireplaces and I always look at them like they are CRAZY. With a five year old and two cats-along with all of the other great reasons you just mentioned-why would I want to do that? And if that makes me a neurotic too,sign me up.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I read that twice. The second time, I added a soundtrack of circus music in the background. It was good the first time; better the second time.

[Pretty Jane]

Delicious. We use the ready logs from the grocery store--preset burn time, no creepy fumes. I still get pretty anxious, so it's only after the kids are in bed. And then the dog sleeps with her back RIGHT AGAINST the screen, and I have visions that she'll catch fire and run through the house shedding chunks of flaming fur. So I go on to bed and leave the romance to my husband and his laptop.

Am so feeling you here, Alice.

[JLP]

We had a similar scenario on Sunday! Because my husband had neglected to vacuum out all of the previous soot and ash, the darned log was suffocated in there and the smoke came billowing into the living room. I opened the door to ventilate the place while DH pushed all the ash around to give it some oxygen. The smoke detector never did go off (maybe I should check the batteries?).

[Sheryl]

That was hilarious, but oh my God, your life must be exhausting.

[Karen]

Reminds me of my in-laws, who live in a log cabin. Their only heat source is a woodstove in the living room. There's a fire in there 24X7 starting with the first frost. And they have no detectors of any sort, not even smoke detectors.

[northerngurl]

The exact reasons we haven't made a fire in four years.

[Catizhere]

Wah! I miss my gas fireplace.
No Co2, no worrying about the flue, just press a button & walla. Big, roaring flames (spoken like Tom the cat in Tom & Jerry Zoot-Suit)

[Princess Mikkimoto]

This is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the laugh... that's so me with a fire too.

[Mignon]

Do you know how weird this sounds to someone in Montana?

[sparkyd]

We have a big screen tv in front of our fireplace (or had until we put our house for sale and our agent made us move it). Can totally relate to the neurosis.

Oh, and for the record re. some previous posters, carbon monoxide is still an issue with a gas fireplace. Anyone who doesn't have smoke detectors or CO detectors in their house (fireplace or no), should go get some. Not a lauging matter. Ask this family - oh wait, you can't; they all died.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/toronto/story/2008/12/08/woodstock-deaths.html

[JachiCue]

I died from carbon monoxide poisoning after reading this post.

You crack me up.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Three words: gas fireplace inserts

Although I still am convinced we are going to die of CO poisoning...we just won't work as hard to do it.

[karen]

Our fireplace hasn't been used ... uh, ever. We're city folks. We don't stockpile firewood. I can't even light a chimenea. Honesty, have you tried to get pinion wood to burn? Then there's the whole fire hazard, home up in flames thing. Carbon monoxide. Cleaning it out. The flue. Wondering if some poor bird has nested in the chimney with no renter's insurance. I mean really. It sure looks cozy, though.

[HeyJoe]

Dearest Alice,

HA!

Appreciatively,
Joe

[Dani]

Our carbon monoxide detector kept going off for no good reason. After calling the gas company because I thought we were going to die or blow up and they found nothing, we unplugged the thing. We dont even have a fireplace.

[Joanna Schmidt]

May I suggest a bottle of wine each perhaps one evening?

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

So glad to hear there are more freaks like me in this world. Reassuring, really.

[Jaywalker]

Hee. In our house I make the fire, ineptly, because the heating doesn't work and the CFO is off doing something important and it's essentially still the 1950s in our house right now.

Then, the very second he comes in, before he says hello to us, his eyes twitch over to the fire which is exhibiting signs of not being correctly poked, or aired or something and he cannot stop himself from going to fix it. And then I tell him how much I hate him.

Ah, domestic bliss.

[Kristin]

I would've started feeling dizzy just thinking about carbon monoxide too. One time my sister and I decided to light a fire in a fireplace that hadn't been used in years while we were good and stoned. While sitting on the couch and enjoying the cozy fire a big fireball dropped down from the chimney...it was a bird's nest that had caught fire. I'm glad we just have a pellet stove.

[patois]

This exact paranoia is why I put in a wood stove insert two years ago. Of course, I'm in California, so now we have Spare the Air Days and we can't use the darn thing anyway. Hello big utility bills!

[Cat]

Can I catch carbon monoxide poisoning from you? I'm feeling a little sick...

[blondie]

You guys are made for each other. Can you imagine how annoying it would be if he was all, "CO? What's the big deal? I can't smell anything. Just let me throw another big log and some lighter fluid & firecrackers on the fire, and we can go to bed."

[Carrie]

I spent a year in Paris in college in a crappy, drafty little chambre de bonne with an electric heater. I was afraid to run the electric heater much because i didn't know how much it was going to cost me, so i'd collect old phone books and fruit crates off the street and burn them in the fireplace. it was a little worrisome the way the room would get kind of hazy, and i did hope as i drifted off to sleep that i would wake up again. i always did, i guess thanks to the lack of any kind of insulation in the place.

Later someone told me that it's illegal to light fireplace fires in ANY Paris buildings and that all of their chimneys were sealed up years ago. Which would explain all the smoke.

[Angie]

Sounds so familiar, it's scary.

[Ann]

I love this blog

[Jessi Louise]

This is hilarious. So much for a fire being relaxing.

[karen]

Loved this post!! Thanks for the laughs.

[Mauigirl]

That was so funny! I tend to be neurotic about fires too. Our cabin in the Adirondacks has no heat but a woodstove so when we were up there in October we had to light it while we were working inside - and I was always really nervous to leave it burning when we left. It always happens that you get a really GOOD fire going just when it's time to leave!

One time when I was a kid my parents lit a fire in our fireplace and my dad forgot to open the flue and the whole house filled with smoke. I don't think we ever lit one again!

[AlexClio]

Hi !
I've never left a comment on your blog even though I've been following it for about a year. But today is "Operation: Comment Your Balls/Boobs Off!" on Dad Gone Mad (www.dadgonemad.com) so I've decided to "de-lurke" as he puts it.
So here I am, juste to say that I love your blog and your may of writting. And also that I was os happy to see your face and hear your voice thanks to your Momversations.
Keep it up !!

Just an other fan

[AlexClio]

Hi !
I've never left a comment on your blog even though I've been following it for about a year. But today is "Operation: Comment Your Balls/Boobs Off!" on Dad Gone Mad (www.dadgonemad.com) so I've decided to "de-lurke" as he puts it.
So here I am, juste to say that I love your blog and your way of writting. And also that I was os happy to see your face and hear your voice thanks to your Momversations.
Keep it up !!

Just an other fan

[Christy]

I swear my husband and I had a similar conversation just last week.

[ozma]

This is hilarious...but crud. I can't believe I have to add fires in a fireplace to my list of fears. DAMN.

Of course, I already think about global warming and air pollution so it's not like my experience of fires was untainted.

I was going to say, about working by the fire--that there is this gas fireplace in a cafe I sometimes travel to (it is far from where I live) and I get the best writing done by this fireplace. It's actually sort of strange how inspiring it is. And safer, that way I guess.

[gray matter matters]

Is now a good time to tell you about my friend who's house caught on fire (from a fire in the fireplace) on Thanksgiving with a houseful of people? I know that my fireplace will be laying dormant for a while!!

[gray matter matters]

Is now a good time to tell you about my friend who's house caught on fire (from a fire in the fireplace) on Thanksgiving with a houseful of people? I know that my fireplace will be laying dormant for a while!!

[Liz]

Oh so funny! Thanks for the dialogue!

~Liz
www.AGiveawayADay.blogspot.com

[joaaanna]

I brought up this entry to my husband last night as we built a fire. The husband said Pshaw. I kept imagining headaches and sleepiness (could have been the vodka). I told him Finslippy wouldn't think this is such a good idea.

But, I am not dead, so... hooray!

[joaaanna]

I brought up this entry to my husband last night as we built a fire. The husband said Pshaw. I kept imagining headaches and sleepiness (could have been the vodka). I told him Finslippy wouldn't think this is such a good idea.

But, I am not dead, so... hooray!

[Monica]

ok, so Carbon Monoxide is the "silent killer" so you all should have a working detector! AND, Alice, you and Scott need to find that apartment in Brooklyn with radiant heat quickly!

[Kingsmom]

I am a first time visitor and this had me laughing out loud. Thank you.