Adjusting

"I don't ever want to go outside again," he yells at me. It's a gorgeous day, and we've got a playground within shouting distance of our building. He can hear the kids laughing and screaming out there. All those kids, friends with each other, none of them friends with him. I know it seems that way. "We've got to get out there if we want to meet new people," I insist.

At the playground, he hands me a light saber. "Why don't we find another kid to play with?" I suggest. Mommy is old, and tired of playing Star Wars. The place is crawling with kids, after all. Many of whom are eyeing our light sabers with great interest.

Henry shakes his head. "I only play with my family," he insists. But he's watching an older boy, a charismatic type being chased by a young girl, possibly his sister. I can see the mechanisms whirring. Willing to play with younger kids. Likes to be chased. I like to chase. "I'm going to ask him to play," he whispers to me, but just as he approaches, the kid takes off abruptly with his dad. It looks to me like they're just taking a restroom break, but even after they return a few minutes later, Henry never tries again.

It's hard to make friends. You want to rush things. In a way, I'm jealous of Henry. I miss the days when you met someone and because you both liked the same things (Barbie? Swings? Creative nonfiction?) you were instant friends. All it will take for him to make a playground friend is eye contact with one kid, just one, someone to run around with. But he keeps his eyes on me. I want to tell him he doesn't know how easy he has it. As if that would work.

So I take matters into my own hands. There's a boy who seems to be around Henry's age playing near us. "Are those Ben-10 sneakers?" I inquire, and the boy nods and starts to list his favorite Ben-10 characters. Henry rolls his eyes violently. "I already know about that," he says, and takes off down the slide. The boy and I watch him, and we shrug at each other. Kids. What can you do. Meanwhile, Henry is eyeing a group of boys playing ball with each other. Boys who are way too busy doing their thing to notice the straggler in their midst. Oh, Henry. But of course I do the same thing. Why does this person want to be my friend so badly? Is there something wrong with her? On the other hand, what's that group of cool-looking parents over there, and how can I talk to them? I can't. God, I'm lame.

It's hard. I know it will get easier. But I still hate this part.

Comments

[hi kooky]

Sending two hugs - one for you, one for Henry.

[Carrie]

God, I so feel you. I'm sure you are better at this than I am, because we moved to a new town two years ago and I still don't have a real friend here. I have lots of friends, but they all live somewhere else -- elsewhere in the huge metropolitan blob of Chicago, elsewhere in the country, elsewhere in the world.
At 4, though, my daughter seems great at the friend thing. All over town, she's hugging girls she met at the Y or at day camp or ice skating class or school. I'm hoping she takes after her social dad forever, and this isn't just a phase she'll grow out of.

[Maeve]

9th Street Playground? Just keep going back every single day and you and Henry will meet people.

[stephanie]

whatever. Just holler out that ALICE and HENRY from finslippy have arrived. They will flock to you.

xoxo

p.s. Of course I know exactly what you speak of and know how hard it is. I'm just teasing you. If I ever spotted you at a park I'd be all over you. (not that way.)

[RuthWells]

I'm forty-frickin'-two, and I hate this part, also. Still.

[Dory]

I'm thirty-six and it seems like it gets harder! Here's hugs for your family.

[Summer Saldana]

If only things got easier when we got older.

[bri]

My kiddo is too little for Henry to play with but I would be thrilled to be your friend. I am home for the next two weeks and am planning to spend a lot of time at 9th Street and 3rd Street. Look for a small redhead and a bespectacled momma. And with that I have already said too much and surely will now have stalkers.

And see, now I've typed that and now I'm thinking, GAWD - Alice Bradley is way too hip and famous and cool to want to be friends with MEEEEEE. Erase that right now. She has no idea who you are and she doesn't care.

All to say we have all been there. And I will hit POST anyway.

[Mary @ Holy Mackerel]

Been there. It's very hard. Still is...

[Grace]

For your sake and mine, I sincerely hope it does. We're recent transplants too and finding friends has been the hardest.

In the most pathetic way possible, I reached out to another blogger in the area. When she suggested we get together, I jumped at the idea! Well, I must have sounded way too eager/desperate, because it's been crickets chirping. Why am I so lame!!!!

[Lori L.]

I feel for you! Nothing like these situations to make you feel like you're back in middle school, the tallest girl in the class, with pimples, straggly hair, who trips up the stairs, twitches nervously around boys. Anyway.

[Rachel]

wear a shirt with your URL on it so they can get to know you online :) Then THEY will come up to YOU.

I wish I was still Henry's age when you can go up to someone and say "wanna be friends?" and then, that's it! You're friends!

[LPC]

I am 52 and it has finally gotten easier. Not that that helps you or Henry right now. I still remember vividly the best advice I ever got. They call the asking to play a "play bid" in kid development circles. They say the best method is actually to align your play with others, i.e. set up parallel play first, then when you make your bid, it's specific. If you study what they are playing, you can say, "Can I be the truck restaurant?", or, "Can I be the Blue Power Ranger?" instead of, "Can I play?" Since kids really don't know if you can play, that question is too abstract.

There must be a corollary for grownups. I think it's just getting too tired to care, sitting down, and making world-weary sarcastic comments to the air. Someone usually laughs.

[Sarah]

Apparently there are many of us out there. I'm 'new in town' and have a hard time breaking through the 'clique shield' at the park. My kids are too young to have real friends yet, but I would love some.

Wishing you luck!

[aubrey]

it's been, like what, a week? it took luca and us a year to finally make friends...of course they just up and moved away from us, but it will happen. now we have to try and warm up some more suckers to be our friends...warmer days ahead will help.

[Jen]

Oh, Henry, it's so hard. I moved to Chicago 18 months ago and it's still hard to find friends. Good luck, buddy.

[Amy @ Muddy Boots]

When we moved cross-country last May, I was 3 months pregnant (ie. suffering EXTREME morning sickness) and my boys were 18 months old and a month shy of five years. We were living in a hotel downtown and didn't even know where the good parks were! To make matters worse, we moved to a province WHERE THEY SPEAK FRENCH. So my poor little guy couldn't even ASK to play. It broke my heart to see him so desperate for friends.

It *does* get better, but in the mean time I know that kind of helpless feeling you get when you see your much loved little one struggle to make friends.

[Kim]

Ouch - this brings bag really hard memories of childhood for lots of people and I am absolutely included. My mom was so fed up with my shyness that one day she opened the front door, pointed to a girl riding her bike down the street, and said "You can't come back in the house until you've talked to her." I became friends with that girl but I'm still traumatized! (Mom had the right idea, and probably the only execution that would have gotten results.)

[Sue]

When we moved, I found that wandering the neighborhood for hours at a time (I don't care if you're tired, Sarah, we're on a MISSION) was surprisingly effective. Looking slightly confused/lost was also helpful, because the kind types would invariably ask if I needed help. (I have no shame - making people feel sorry for me in order to get what I want? TOTALLY O.K.)

Hope you feel at home very soon.

[Mary Ellen]

Ohhhh, I hear ya.
My girls come in three, so they hardly have to make friends but it still tortures me when a nice friendly child will come up to my oldest on the playground and say hi. Like this: Hi! And my daughter's response is this:

Nothing!!!

We moved to a new town two years ago and I have tried, really, to make new friends. I have even thought about putting up a notice in the playground: "New Book Club!" But then I think, ohhhh, but I'll have to clean the house for new people!!

Good luck to you and Henry!

[die Frau]

Booooo...that feeling doesn't change, does it? Sometimes you get to the "I don't want to go to the party, but I at least want the invite" stage that I was in for a while. I've been at my job for TWO YEARS now and I still feel like I can't crack certain groups, mostly the "cool" kids who think they're still in high school.

You will not have to sit there with that vague, detached, "I'm-fun-and-friendly-so-please-be-my-friend" smile for too long. I know you and Henry will find playmates soon!

[Angela]

Hugs. There's not much I can say. We moved this past summer, and the anxiety didn't hit my 4-year old until school started. We're still not totally there. She still talks about her old school friends. But she's no longer asking to go back. Time, and lots of play dates. BTW, sucks to be the new mom at the playground, almost as much as it sucks to be the new kid. But I can't imagine that you'll be the new mom for long.

[J.]

Can TOTALLY relate, and Henry will probably have an easier time than you. I don't really have any friends where I am now, they're scattered all over the place, which means lots of long phone conversations, but no one to go out with on Friday night. Boo.

[Stephanie]

Poor little thing. I'm still not very good at making friends and I'm 22. He'll have some little buddies to run around with in no time.

[PB Rippey: blogma (sleepless mama)]

I've been going to a mommy group for months and STILL don't feel like I fit in, but I keep going back for more, keep smiling, and anyway, HE likes it, likes the other toddlers' toys and exploring new houses and parks and backyards, so that's all that matters, really. Pretty much. (sigh)

[Duncan]

From the military brat point of view. A new home every 3 to four years yet I don't recall having trouble finding friends. Flash forward 25 years and I am lost and confused as to how to find friends.

As an 8 year old when we moved on base in germany I just went to the playground with a toy and started throwing ti at the other kids. Some how that made me friends, however beyond that initial introduction i was not a bully and I was a nice and gentle boy. That whol exchange was a mystery to me. Might as well try that now as a 32 year old in a new job.

Honestly just keep going to the park and don't be afraid to sit near the other parents. Keep a smile on your face and you will be fine.

[Bobolink]

Why not trying initiating contact with another parent? If you ask a question, often you can get to chatting. And then Henry can see you talking to other people. Or just go up to some mother and introduce yourself.

[Tiffany]

This reminds me of a friend of mine from high school. He moved to our neighboorhood when we were in the 9th grade (a neighboorhood stocked full of kids). The week they moved, his mom loaded him, his little sister, and his little brother in their van and drove around SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, "ANYONE WANT TO PLAY WITH MY KIDS?! WE HAVE A SWIMMING POOL!"

I am pretty sure he wanted to die, right there. But you know, he started school that August one of the more popular kids, so I guess she knew what she was doing.

[Eric Hegwer]

""I only play (lightsabers) with my family"

Just like LUKE and DARTH VADER

Give 'em time. It' will happen.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

I have SUCH sympathy! Mostly because I was a total introverted dork when I was a kid. I would sooner DIE than approach a stranger. God took pity and did not pass that gene on to my kids - - they will barge into a group of total strangers and take control. At least it's not as bad for me as it used to be - - I have adopted a who cares what others think of me attitude and it really seems to work.

[heyjoe]

Dearest Alice,

Will you be my friend? No, no, forget I said anything. In fact, I DIDN'T say anything I was just clearing my throat. I have no idea what you heard but it wasn't anything from me.

Lamely,
Joe

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

Just keep going back. It might seem like the brute force method, but I'm sure if he sees the same faces regularly it'll be a little easier for him to make eye contact =)

[TheLuckyGal]

Tell me about it. We moved to Australia and spent the first few weeks (before Z started school) going to every playground in a 5K radius ... For me / us it is complicated by the fact that Z is an only child and spends a LOT of time playing quite happily by herself - so we can go to a playground that is full of 6.5 YO girls who like fairies and horses and rainbows ... and Z honestly might not even notice them she'll be so into her own little world. Then later she'll bemoan the fact that all her friends are back in Seattle. Alas. HOWEVER. It all changed for both of us once school started. I was amazed actually - it was like, just add water and POOF! instacommunity! I just showed up at drop-off and pick-up every day and volunteered to help reshelve in the library and now I have a bunch of pretty good friends. And Z was invited to a birthday party within the first two weeks that was her entre. (Like you mentioned in another post, being the new kid at 6 makes you cool.) So, time and school are the prescription IMO. Oh, and snacks. Bring snacks to the playground! Nothin breaks the ice like a handful of Pirate's Booty ;-)

[tifRN]

Oh, how I understand. We just moved to wichita and have the same problem. And now that we have found a house to move into in a new school district, my son has a "best friend." dammit. We can't win for losing.

[madge]

My #1 local mom-friend is officially on the lookout for you. She wrote, "The Alice Stalking has commenced. Um, non-crazy stalking, of course."

[Donna]

I have often thought we share the same child (except we live in CA, but it might be possible?)...but now you have confirmed it is so. But, if they are, in fact two separate but somehow identical beings, I could only imagine the standoff should we ever end up on the same playground.

[Holly]

I hear that "wanna play?" is the magic phrase for all ages.

[bea]

Oh Alice, I'm so where you are...well, not at the playground, but struggling to find friends. 4 years in New Zealand and I'm still looking for a BFF. Can I still use that phrase in my 30's?

I'd be your friend, but suspect that finding a coffee shop convenient for both of us would be a struggle.

Sigh.

[Robin Nowak]

Big Mommy Hugs, Alice and Henry.
I know. I know.
I am the same way, but even more so.
Those that know me cannot fathom how petrified I am in a group of people I don't know. They only know the wild and crazy me cause I've worked and had cocktails with them for almost 3 years.
Go over to the moms and ask if they twitter.
Better yet, have Henry go over there and tell them his mommy twitters, do they and then run off and you stand there looking like "that kid!" and smile.
I would instantly cling to you like a newborn baby if your kid asked me if I twittered.
I'm one of the few I know that do!

[MiniHipster.com]

If you go to the same park often enough Henry will run around like it is his domain and perhaps gain confidence to start talking to the new comers in 'his' park.... until then, you may have to continue to play Darth Vader....
MiniHipster.com

[Michelle W.]

Wow! Brings back so many memories. When I was growing up my family moved to diffrent countries and I was ALWAYS the odd one out. I took drama in high school when we came back to the States and waitressed in college, but I STILL feel awkward every place but work! I have a 5 year old son now and everytime I watch him with other kids I cringe inside wanting for him to NEVER have to go through that and knowing he will! AHHH!

[mfk]

Yeah, still not great at making friends... I have a "friend date" this weekend which is kind of unusual for me... I just never know how to approach people and say "will you be my friend?", you know? The idea about specific requests to play is a good one though. But yeah, awkward.

[Aaron Rabideau]

Brilliant post, Alice. Still have toddlers but I'm dreading the times in the years ahead when I'll be filled with hollow, helpless ache for their pain.

[UPrinting Postcard Printing]

I know exactly how you feel, I've been there. I used to be like little Henry and it really takes so much courage to take one step to make friends or have playmates.

I know Henry can adjust too, same way I did. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Zina]

Here's a thought for what it's worth: Pretty soon all the Spring novelty outdoor toys should be appearing in the toy stores, and if Henry showed up at the park with something very tempting and easily shared, other kids might be envious and try to engage HIM in playing with them. I know the lightsaber is along those lines, but maybe something even more uncommon, easy-to-share, and tempting?

I'm not sure what exactly -- I'd recommend a bunch of sand toys (if your park has sand) but I guess he's old for that. Maybe a bucket of sidewalk chalk? Let him start drawing and see if kids don't try to join in and use his chalk. Or that plastic bubble stuff -- you know the kind where you stick a blob of plastic on the end of a tiny straw and inflate it? (That option's pretty hard on the lungs though.) Or a bunch of puddle jumpers -- those little helicopter toys where you spin the handle between your palms to launch it? Or some other flying toy. Or marbles?

Good luck. My kids, even my oldest who's painfully shy around adults, are somehow all natural-born lords of the playground who always assume everyone else wants to play with them, but I'm more like Henry, so I feel for him (and you.)

[Liz Seymour]

Gorgeous post. Anyone who writes this way will certainly make friends, and quality ones at that.

Liz

[Mom101]

A big ugh for playground politics and how early it all starts. I sometimes wish i could develop a the magic friendship wand that makes dozens of caring, kind, non-hair pulling friends appear for my girls. If I get the patent, I promise I'll let you know first.

[ozma]

People always frown on those of us who decide not to have any friends but really, it's just so efficient. Problem solved!

[Deirdre]

I'm not sure why, but this post really spoke to me. I suppose it's because my son is 19 months old and in "preschool" (aka daycare) and is already "making friends". At this young age, babies really, it's so easy. But I already look ahead and my heart breaks at the thought of when he will inevidentably get his feelings hurt; wanting to befriend someone who doesn't want to be friends. He doesn't know the fear of rejection yet, but like everyone, he will. You wish you could spare your kids that.

[emjaybee]

We moved so much when I was a kid I became very blase; I would go around to strange houses and knock on doors asking "do you have any kids I can play with?"

But I would never let my kid do that now!

The problem is probably partly that you are there; kids act different when the parent is around. In school w/out you or at some other kids-only event, he might act differently.