Please, oh please, no advice.

This week over at Momversation, Rebecca brought up the topic of picky eaters, and I laughed; oh, how I laughed. If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you may remember my periodic rants about Henry's eccentric eating habits. I wish I could report that my son's diet has evolved even a little since that time, but alas, I cannot. We are dealing with it, in our usual clumsy manner, with the help of a nutritionist. It is not easy. Our son is more than a little strong-willed. It is a characteristic I'm sure I will someday come to admire.

As you may have noticed from the title, up there, I am not seeking advice, thank you anyway. But feel free to share your own picky-eater stories.

Comments

[Badger]

I started an entire blog to chronicle the summer during which I stopped cooking separate "kid" food at dinner and started making just one meal that the whole family could eat, or not (in which case they were welcome to make their own).

Three years later, I've got one kid who lives on popcorn and tortilla chips, and another who, upon hearing that a vendor at our neighborhood farmer's market now offers goat meat for sale, asked me to buy some because he'd really like to try that.

Yeah. I have no advice for anyone. I can't even figure out my OWN kids.

[Allison]

I sincerely appreciate your picky eater story. If you are what you eat, my 2 1/2 yr old is a bowl of mac & cheese, half a pb&j with a side of Cheetos. The child has never voluntarily touched a veggie in his life, except to use it to eat the Ranch dressing I serve with them. We are a 2 meal family (I swore we never would be) in part because of his early bedtime but also because I choose not to fight mealtime.

Thanks for presenting your point of view in a nonjudgemental manner. (Thanks for doing that regardless of topic.)

[Viv]

I'm convinced that it has nothing to do with what you make or how its cooked. Ours are twins, and have been given the same foods as each other every day of their lives, and yet one could happily live on a total of 5 specific food items, and the other will eat anything that looks even remotely edible.

It just is what it is.

[rahree]

according to my mom, i survived on nothing but hot dogs and bologna for years, and have grown into a happy, functional - if not quite "normal" - adult. Take heart!

[Kendra]

I was just ranting to my sister about all the people who say "Well, if you just..." Yes, I've tried that. And the other thing too. I've tried being all food Nazi about it, and I've tried being laid back. I've tried "you have to try it," and he threw it up on me. I've tried putting it in front of him again and again, and he's rejected the same things every single time. Now I know that putting banana on his plate is exactly the same as unpeeling it, cutting it, and dropping it in the garbage. I've had him pick the vegetable (he always picks carrots--which he eats, but it can't be great for him every single day). And I've had him help, but he just announces which ingredients he doesn't like ("don't use yogurt, because I hate yogurt").

I am thrilled for anyone who has a great eater or for anyone whose tricks have worked. But I agree, it's extremely frustrating!

[tomncristy]

I do not have kids (my husband and I married a little late in life and decided not to), but I completely respect the effort it must take to try to get kids to eat right. My husband is the result of a mom who let him eat whatever he wanted and ONLY what he wanted. I now have to figure out how to fix healthy meals, working around his meat and potatoes (but only when they're fried or mashed) appetite.

He will eat veggies if they're mixed in like in a pot pie or casserole, but this man has never been near a salad, and he still pushes most of them to the side of his plate. He's trying to do better for my sake, but it's a battle. I can't imagine what all of you have to go through, trying to do this with a child (or children). I applaud you.

[Michelle]

I can commiserate with you...our first is a picky eater (he is getting better but still has a long way to go). He would survive on yogurt, cheese and apples with the occasional piece of bread thrown in if I allowed. You can only imagine what all the cheese did for his bowels (sorry TMI).

My second is the complete opposite - she will eat almost anything handed to her. This is helping the first to eat a few more things because he is more or less jealous of her. It has made life easier with her being such a good eater but we still have daily battles with #1.

[hi kooky]

Okay. I stumbled across this theory: Kids are biologically programmed to stop eating everything we put in front of them about the same time they become really independent walkers/explorers. The theory is that the taste preferences really do change to protect the child from eating potentially dangerous things (poisonous berries/leaves/bugs) they might come across on an "adventure" (when we're not looking). I always liked this theory, whether it's true or not. When I looked at it as a survival mechanism, it was easier for me to deal with the fact that my boys' palettes shrank around age two or three. At the very least, it's an interesting idea.

[highlyirritable]

My daughter lived 2 whole years on breastmilk and carpet lint. Even now, the only thing she eats on a regular basis is BBQ chicken kabobs and communion wafers. My son, on the other hand, will eat anything that is dead, and even that rule is sometimes broken.

No advice, because none needed. Like a lot of child related issues, it only a problem if you DON'T care, and you clearly do. He'll most likely grow up to have a great palette for foods you refused (rightly) to force on him.

[Stephanie]

Oh, Alice, I feel your pain. My seven year old son is also extremely picky. He has a list of about 6 foods he'll eat (not including fruit--he'll eat several kinds of fruit). We've tried all of the techniques, too, and nothing really worked. And just like Henry, he's tried a new food, said that he liked it, but said he would not eat it again. He has also tried something, said that he liked it and then decided the next time he tried it that he was wrong, he doesn't like it after all. It's all very frustrating. I do believe that some kids are just pickier than others (and some are WAY pickier). My mother told me that I lived on bologna, hot dogs, and vegetable soup for at least a year, and I'll actually eat more than three things now. But I'm still pretty picky--I think that's just how it is for some of us.
And if your child is stubborn, good luck. We once told Max that he absolutely HAD to try a bite of bean stew, and after a whole lot of whining and crying, he finally did. Then he gagged and threw up on the table. So forcing the issue does not work in our case.
I've said many times that I'm done making separate meals, but it only lasts for a day or two, and then I'm back to making mac & cheese for the kids again.

The only positive thing I can say is that over the last year or so, he is more willing to actually try new foods. I think it's at least in part because we've really tried to make it pressure-free for him (like, just one bite, if you hate it you can spit it out in your napkin, we won't make you eat more even if you do like it, etc). And, for some reason, he's much more willing to try it if we look away when he takes the first bite.
And if I have a glass of wine with dinner, I care a a whole lot less that my son is a stubbornly picky little stinker.

[die Frau]

I was a total picky eater as a child: I used to peel all the skin off my grilled hot dogs before I would eat them. I refused to drink milk at school because it always tasted sour coming out of that little carton. I also would not eat the gross ham and cheese or grilled cheese: I just began eating cheese on anything but pizza ten years ago when my friends informed me that I was a freak and needed to get over it. The teachers had to let me use their salad bar because that was all I would eat.

I did turn out OK and I don't think I've suffered or been a weirdo adult because of it. My friends and family may say differently....

[kayobe]

A picky or bland palette seems to be genetically or biologically determined.

I will eat anything under the sun only drawing the line at red meat, only because I don't care for it and seem to have trouble digesting it. I don't eat dairy either because while I love it, it doesn't love me back. Throw any vegetable at me and I'll be happy. My favorite veggie as a kid was brussel sprouts. My junk food junkie parents didn't know where this preference came from. I hated sugary cereals but my friends were always in awe and jealous we could eat all the junk food we wanted. Count Chockula and Coke for breakfast - sure! I instead used to beg for oatmeal and fruit.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is my husband who's major food groups seem to be pizza (but only peperoni), chicken fingers, cookies, chips and soda. I have to sneak vegetables into the meals. He claims they have no taste or taste 'off'. While he's expanded his taste buds since we're together and is open to trying new things he still wouldn't eat a vegetable on his own.

His theory is you eat what you need, that your body tells you through your taste buds. It's an interesting theory.

[kayobe]

p.s. I meant to say Dana's attitude about making her kids eat the food that night, the next day or until it rotted reminded me of the scene in Mommy Dearest when Christina and her mother battled over the raw steak. Sometimes it's not about the food but control. This type of food based batttle/control can lead to eating disorders.

[Mary]

My older son eats the following things: chicken nuggets (but only Tyson, from the box, not the bag, because the breading is different), toast with butter or perhaps cheese toast, applesauce (thickened with baby oatmeal for the iron), saltine crackers, Veggie Straws, tortilla/potato chips, and popcorn - like his mother, he likes crunchy/salty. He drinks lightly sweetened tea. He was in feeding therapy for over 18 months to get to that point.

We grind up a multivitamin in his morning applesauce every day, and hope it covers some of the gaps. He didn't eat solid food until he was about 15 months old, and nursed until he was 3 to get some nutrition. He probably would have nursed longer, but I was pregnant and extremely ill.
Sensory Processing Disorder combined with Autism and Apraxia is a joy in terms of eating, and I was totally one of those people who swore I would have a kid who ate everything. Life teaches you things.

[heyjoe]

Dearest Alice,

I will save my advice for a long, rambling, advice-laden e-mail.

Munificently,
Joe

[Deanna]

It's luck, the kind of eater you have. It's all luck. My sister suffered terrible reflux as a child so us kids had a separate bland meal, much to my father's consternation. She still eats around her stomach acid problems and has baked plain chicken and some raw veggies four nights out of five and I live on sushi, Ethiopian, and homemade pesto. He'll outgrow it, or he won't, and as long as his height/weight stays on track, keep making videos of impressions of Henry's irritating cookie eating.

[Jennifer]

I never realized that so many people have kids who "used to eat everything" (like my son). It's great to hear things like that. He's ten now, and actually eats pretty well (even declaring that he LOVED blueberries). But it wasn't long ago that he only ate: bagels with peanut butter (or toasted with butter), pizza, bananas and eggs (but only if cooked by grandma). We once had a very dramatic (yet amusing) reaction to a mango lassi (kindly given to him at an Indian restaurant). Thankfully it didn't end up with him vomiting--but we came close! I really enjoy your blog--and I'm a fellow Brooklynite.

[kate]

I'm sorry, but Dana? Is a NUT job. I agree with kayobe; that that type of "then you'll eat it for breakfast and it's going to be on your plate for every meal until it rots" style of parenting leads to eating disorders and issues around food FOR LIFE. It is sick and abusive.

[Amber Lynae]

I can't say my little girl is just not a big eater. She LOVES mac and cheese, and she will eat green beans, broccoli and cucumbers. They are the veggie staples in our home (because of her preference). But she is the type that doesn't care whether she has dessert or not.

[Liz]

I mean, geez, who was that relative who told you to just let your kid eat macaroni and cheese every night? ANYONE would know that was a recipe (no pun intended) for disaster.

[Lisa]

My 15-year-old son eats only brown and white food. Since the first bite of pureed green peas was spit back in my face, he has never touched ANYTHING that is green, red, orange, or yellow. (Not counting Kool-Aid.)

So ass-vice? Is gonna come from somewhere else, sweetie.

[Sarah]

My brother was a picky eater. My parents never acknowledged it. They wouldn't even let him dicate want went on a family pizza. He didn't eat what they fixed? Fine drink your milk and clear your plate. He was able to make himself cereal and milk from about the age of two and would often eat it for three meals a day. The ironic thing is that at 30 he lives to throw potlucks, barbeques and dinner parties. He is only a picky eater in that he strives to put "the best" ingredients in what he makes. Go figure.

[bea]

No kids of my own - but my very best friend is a self-identified 'picky eater'. Her biggest challenge is not influencing her own kids. The oldest two are just 3 and 4 - and of course love anything covered in ketchup.

Heh - they're happy and healthy. What's to complain about?

[Lynn @ human, being]

my stepson, almost 12, has about a dozen things in his diet:

chicken nuggets
french fries
soda (real and diet)
hot dogs--but not nitrite free ones, and only almost-raw, and plain
onion rings
Cheese-its
squeeze cheese
pancakes
waffles
syrup
scrambled eggs, but only hard-scrambled and with lots of pepper
cookies
cake
and sometimes mini corn dogs

I'm serious. He has a "feeding disorder" in which his gag reflex is almost at the tip of his tongue, has been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, anxiety and now, Aspberger's (mild autism). He's smaller than my 8-year-old daughter (who is in the 98th percentile for height and weight, but nonetheless ...)--he doesn't even weigh 60 lbs. He takes Ritalin, an anti-psychotic, a mood stabilizer, an asthma pill and a sleeping pill.

He used to go to feeding therapy for 2 30-minute sessions a week, but he refused to do the "homework" and try new things. And his mother, who he lives with, never pushed him. His dad (my fiance) doesn't push either because he wants R to "feel comfortable" in our house. R has literally thrown up on his dinner plate if we try to force him to eat something he doesn't like.

This is a kid who would starve himself to death. One weekend, when I was being particularly aggressive about making him try new things (as in have one tiny bite of broccoli, or fruit) he stopped eating and drinking for four days. He is pale, thin, has dark circles under his eyes and bruises easily. To me, he is clearly malnourished, and likely toxic because all of the non-food he eats. However, it's been made clear to me that this is none of my business.

As you can imagine, the situation puts quite a strain on my relationship, and to be honest, is one of the only things that makes me think twice about marrying Steve.

Sad, huh.

[Heather @ Mama Sass]

How about a picky 31 year old? My toddler is more adventurous than my husband. He would live on tacos, mac & cheese and frozen pizzas if he could. My son, meanwhile, eats anything...tofu, broccoli, avocado.
Fingers crossed daddy's 'sensitive' palate doesn't wear off on the kid.

[Jenn]

My son, so far, hasn't displayed any kind of pickiness. I'm not really sure when pickiness crops up in little ones though. But I like that you told everyone to keep their advice (politely). I usually want to say, "take that advice and shove it_____"

[AB]

My daughter, at 9 months, won't eat anything that she can't feed herself. No more baby food, she hardly takes a bottle... and she would eat nothing but cheese if I let her.

Thank you thank you thank you for what you wrote some time ago about breastfeeding. I had to formula feed, and I hate when people jusge me without knowing why. You made me feel a lot better about myself and my decision.

[Nicole]

I was an extremely picky child. (I eat most things now but I do dislike cheese and oranges.) My mom and I like to joke about it now. She says I used to eat everything until I was 3, and my response is that's because until then I didn't know how to say NO!.

[amandak]

My 4-year-old got picky the day we switched from baby food to solid real food. There were a lot of tears and frustrations in the beginning, but I had to get over it. Since then he has lived on pretty much milk, crackers (a few different kinds), and the occassional fruit. I am not exaggerating. He does not care for sweets. In fact, the only sweet he will eat is a donut. He throws away cookies, cake, ice cream. We give him Ovaltine in his milk and a daily multi-vitamin. At his last check-up the doctor inquired about his diet, and I was honest. She felt the need to tell us how to parent him and gave the old, "he will eat if/when he gets hungry." No, he won't. He would rather starve than eat something he doesn't like. We have tried that, and he lost weight. No thank you. He almost never gets sick, is thin, but is growing like a weed (he is even tall for his age).

[The Tutugirl]

It doesn't get bad until you reach this stage: I once dated a guy who at 16 wouldn't eat anything other than pasta, bread, tomatoes, garlic, olive oil and I think maybe cheese. Yeah, so he ate pasta and pizza, and nothing else.

[dee]

My daughter loves fruit of all kinds (except kiwi) but isn't big on things with lots of spice. My son, however, had/has reflux and eats very few things, but loves spice in his food. Sure, the kid who gets heartburn loves ribs, chili, and pickles? Wonder what Darwin would have to say about that?

[Stephanie]

"He didn't actually give us the finger after, but it was implied"

HAHAHA. This just goes right along with your video. Poor Henry, he doesn't know what he's missing.

[Cher]

My youngest never ate. Well, yeah, but existed on hot dogs for a few years. Then it was grilled cheese or pizza. He's almost 25 now, impossible zero percent body fat, muscular, and tried pork chops and salad last year for the first time and LIKED it. No negative outcomes. Let 'em eat what they like growing up (oh, and when I was in 1st grade, school made you clean your plate...I remember being forced to consume chili...and promptly puking in the lunchroom...needless to say, I was never *forced* to eat what I didn't want after that...now I'll eat anything)

[Alexandra]

I love that, "I am not seeking advice." Just let me say, that we are living parallel lives over here....

[Kate]

When I was a kid, my mother used to tell me this story about her youngest brother (my youngest uncle), who is about seven years her junior. The story pretty much went like this:

Your uncle was such a picky eater! He wouldn't eat anything! My mother used to make him whatever he wanted for dinner. He'd get scrambled eggs when the rest of us had tuna casserole. That's never going to happen with you kids. You will eat what I put on the table and you will like it! I'll never make special meals for any one of you!

And she held to this until my brother was about eight and started refusing absolutely everything that wasn't pizza rolls, fish sticks, mac and cheese and, surprise surprise, scrambled eggs.

At that point, my mother's attitude changed, though only for my brother. She'd make something laden with onions (the one thing to this day that I absolutely will not even attempt to eat) and tell me to sit down and like it, but my brother would get microwave macaroni and cheese five nights a week. It was a miserable several years, but I'm reassured by the knowledge that my brother now lives on Hamburger Helper and me? I'm able to actually make real food.

He's twenty-one, by the way. Not to say, "You're screwed, he'll never grow out of it", but I think everyone has at least a couple foods they will absolutely not eat. He just has, oh, three dozen of them.

[Jessica]

I was the pickiest eater that ever existed. I was literally the kid who would only eat steak with ketchup on it. Steak! I know! My mother never made us eat anything we didn't like because she went to Catholic School and had to eat all her nasty cafeteria vegetables or miss recess. I think she was traumatized. Although she did use those plates with the separate spaces, so we could never claim things touched and dinner was ruined. I grew out of it, and am actually a bit of a foodie nowadays. I sort of feel bad when I try new, weird fruits and such and don't like them. The pressure to be a good eater never goes away, it just changes as your world views does.

[Emme]

My 4 year old kid is gigantic and strong and eats almost nothing so I try to trust that he is getting what he needs.

And I love it that it annoys the living crap out of my WWII-era German step-mom that he basically lives off of nothing but granola bars and Go-gurt. He has eaten this way for the last 2 years and is very healthy but she still insists that we should buy some baby food jars of meat to feed him so he doesn't die of starvation.

Same lady who said breast milk is poison, and that I shouldn't take a nap with my new baby because he'll be breathing in my "dirty air." When I ask her where she gets these loony ideas, it's always the same answer: from A German Magazine.

So glad to hear that pickiness still runs rampant even amongst school-aged kids. Very reassuring to my 2-years-in-the-future self.

[Alejandra]

New to motherhood. Have a six month old baby who eats well, I think. But now, I am afraid of the possibilities. I EAT EVERYTHING- everything that can be eaten. I am from another country and I've eaten brains, tongue, bone marrow, etc., etc. I really wish my baby turns out like this... and the surprises of motherhood continue....

[Maren]

I'm always sad when I think about the fact that I was an "eat everything" baby too -- apparently beets were my favorite food at one point. Then I went through several years of eating nothing but cereal, PB&Js and mac n' cheese (plus junk food snacks) starting around age six (surprise surprise, just when my parents got divorced), and over twenty years later I still don't really like fruit or most vegetables, though I've worked on it. My husband was even pickier than me when we met in college, though, and now he eats stuff even I won't eat, so there's hope for adult picky eaters who dedicate themselves to learning to like stuff. I just worry all the time about what to do when I have kids, since I wish someone in my family liked salad (both husband and I would rather puke than eat it).

[Lee-Ann]

we used to let our son eat his peas one by one with his fingers just to get him to eat something besides toast and cheese.

oh, did I mention each pea had to be dipped in enough mustard to completely cover the pea?

[cee]

*I* was a picky eater in my day, and while I'm a lot better now, I'm still very sensitive to certain tastes and textures, even smells. I wasn't picky just for the hell of it, I genuinely didn't like some foods and my parents never understood that. After years of battles they gave up and I would get a pbj or whatever until I was old enough to fix food for myself. And in my own time, I tried new foods and even liked them!

Dana scares the hell out of me.

[Kate]

My brother used to gag when other family members ate any kind of fruit in the same room he was in. He told us it was disgusting and went to his room. He is now 33, vegetarian (still hates all fruit) and engaged to a vegetarian woman who hates fruit even more than he does. I guess it takes all kinds!

[mildred]

My son ate a wide variety of foods until about age 3 when he narrowed to a very small list that would vary from year to year. For a while he would eat chicken nuggets, then fish sticks, then hamburgers and then taco meat. Although there was pressure from grandmothers to make him eat what was "good for him" and especially what everyone else was eating, I chose to go with what he was willing to eat. I made two separate meals for years. At age 18 he went away to college, and his willingness to eat a wide variety of foods blossomed. He's now more adventurous in the culinary sphere than I am.
It's very hard not to worry about whether this limited nutrition is affecting your child's mental and physical growth.

[Becca]

No advice here. Wouldn't dare. Just a random passer-by dropping in to leave good thoughts with you.

[Cindy]

OK, this is totally not advice. I'm just putting this out there because I found it really fascinating about the way our brains develop. I read a research study not to long ago that determined that a kid had to be exposed at least five times to a particular food before they could even decide if they liked it. FIVE TIMES. That's crazy! I mean as adults, we know right when it hits the tongue.

My nephew has the same eating issue. Started around the same time. He's now 13 and still has to be forced to eat food other then McDonald's, cheese, or spaghetti with red sauce no meat. Sorry...wish I could have said he grew out of it and maybe he will...someday.

[jenB]

Charlotte lives on wind pudding and fried ice. Actually that is a lie because she won't drink water, only juice (watered down) and milk. She eats about 5 foods like a lot of the kids talked about here.

Last week;
HER: mommy, we are growing lovely, red, juicy, yummy, tomatoes in the garden?
ME: Yes, would you like one?
HER: NO!

I didn't give her the finger. To her face.

[Amy]

I think it is great you are working with a nutritionist. Sigh, thinking something I should have tried, oh, some 14 years ago with my now 16 year old son.

Seriously, dangerously picky :(

[aviva]

OH Alice. How I feel your pain. Nothing works. My daughter is now 7 1/2 and eats WAY more than she did even at 6 - but still nothing with sauce. Believe it or not this eliminates a LOT of restaurant choices here in Okinawa, Japan. BUT - I was worse. Literally I ate pasta, cheese pizza or fried chicken until I was in 2nd grade. (about 8 years old) Now I'll eat anything but mayonnaise and pickled ginger. And I LOVE to cook. I'm just holding faith that like with me, the light bulb WILL turn on one day and she'll just try it and give it a real try. Not take a microscopic bite and say she doesn't like it when I know she didn't really give it a try. SIGH.

[Joelle]

If it makes you feel any better, I was a picky eater. We ate buttered noodles (penne, spaghetti, egg...) with every meal, because my mother refused to serve me something special. I grew out of it...though I still do enjoy buttered noodles on occasion!

Have you tried widening his variety of beige, bland foods? Not giving him them, just exposing...mashed potatoes, fried tofu, sushi rice, cream of wheat...they won't improve the nutrition, but maybe he'll get over fear of new foods.

Or not.

[Joelle]

Oooo...so sorry! Forgot about the no advice rule...or rather, didn't recognize my advice as such. Just ignore it. Now I feel all icky for breaking the rules...