This actually seems to have happened.

Well! What did you do yesterday?

You know you're wondering how it went, don't deny it. So here's a recap of the day. Aaand…go!

The morning was a little more adrenaline-packed than I had expected, as the traffic was bad and our driver had to perform some insane and possible illegal maneuvers to get us to the studio. (In retrospect we should have taken the subway, but it's hard to say no when someone offers to "send a car for you." It sounded so classy!) Scott kept cramming Xanax into my mouth as I hyperventilated and the driver was all, "Once I drove a high-powered executive when the traffic was this bad, and we had to exit to the nearest heliport," and "Once I was driving Calvin Klein, and he said, 'I cannot sit in this traffic; where is the nearest heliport?'" So I shrieked, "I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A NEARBY HELIPORT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT," and he shrugged. Because it was exactly what he was getting at. He wished he could dump us at a heliport so that a chopper would take us and he could listen to his news radio in peace.

But as it was, I am too poor to commandeer a helicopter at will, and he was stuck with the two of us--me whimpering, Scott alternately soothing me and sending out Twitters because he was trying to drive me insane--until we reached Rockefeller Center. And we were so grateful that he got us there that Scott kept handing him twenties while I stuck my tongue in his ear.

When we arrived we found out that the segment had been moved up twenty minutes, which I am glad I didn't know beforehand because I would have thrown up all over that lovely car. I had ten minutes to get dressed and get my makeup and hair done. The stylists actually did the makeup and hair at the same time; I don't know how they did it, but they did. If I tried to put on my own lipstick while my hair was being tugged upward to the crazy heights it reached, I would have ended up with pink lines across the bottom half of my face. That's why they're professionals. I could see Tori behind me calling out to Dean, and I realized I have no idea what Dean looks like, he could have been the guy doing my hair, which would have explained a lot. (Enough about the hair, Alice.) (It's just…look. The hair was a little enthusiastic for my taste, is all. But I know, I know—it's daytime TV and they have their mysterious daytime-TV ways. Daytime TV viewers like HAIR! instead of just my normal lowercase style. And so it was.)

A lovely wardrobe lady helped me into my mysteriously high-tech blouse, which had Slots and Tabs and I was sure I was going to mess it up and WHOOPSIE EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BRA! (Which is why I also bought a new bra, by the way.) (It's a lovely bra. You should have seen it.) Once properly dressed, I met up with Laura and Melissa and I made more jokes about all the Xanax I was taking, HAHAHAHA EVERYONE LAUGH AT ME, and they smiled sadly and one of them might have called Poison Control.

(Okay. I took nothing more than some useless homeopathic calming agent, because even though I have Xanax in my possession I'm too scared to take it, and I definitely wouldn't take it for the first time shortly before appearing on live television. I probably would have fallen off that high stool. Or laughed weirdly and heartily at Kathie Lee and Tori's mysterious in-jokes. Oh, wait, I did do that.)

Then we were whisked up to the set, which was not the other set that Kathie Lee and Tori were already on although it sure lookedthe same; there are apparently billions of almost-identical sets within the studio, so that the hosts are always slightly lost and confused as to their whereabouts, and then they won't try and escape. So we sat on our high stools and I was feeling my crunchy hair and thinking what have they done to me when Kathie Lee and Tori glided in and Kathie screamed "THE MOMMYBLOGGERS AAAAIIIIEE" and we all screamed back "AIIIIEEEE!" and then we realized she was cheering and not screaming. That was embarrassing. We shook hands with the two glorious orange creatures before us—seriously, they have so much makeup on them, you can't even tell they're human, if that's what they are, and I'm reasonably sure they might be—and then they were placed upon their seats and energy-boosting nutritional pellets were inserted under their tongues, and we began.

People have commented that the segment seemed…confused, and why didn't Melissa say anything? Here's the thing. We were prepped for many questions, none of which were asked. There were note cards. Kathie Lee and Tori, they had the note cards. In their hands. But they never looked at the note cards. I realized quickly that they were not ever going to look at the note cards, and it was every woman for herself, so I jumped in whenever I could. If they had decided to talk about product reviews, or the relationships between bloggers and corporate entities, Melissa would have been able to jump in and I would have sat there weeping softly into my shirtsleeves. The—questions, I guess you'd all them? Observations? Just happened to veer toward topics I could contribute to, and so I did, and then it was over and everyone looked a little surprised.

We shook hands with Kathie Lee and Tori, and took pictures, and our hosts were placed back in their boxes and wheeled out and everyone else disappeared as well. And we were left to figure out where the exit was. Which we did, eventually, using our Mommyblogging Powers.

So that was that! I managed to talk without using any profanities and my nipples were not even slightly visible, so I couldn't be more pleased. My definition of success in these kinds of appearances has sunk lower and lower, as you can see. And if I ever appear on the Today Show again, I'm going to provide a helpful chart for Kathie Lee explaining where the power button is on most brand-name computers and how you "push" it, and I just bet she'll learn how to turn hers on! She will, you guys. Oh, I can dream, can't I?

Comments

[Shannon]

How many times is the Today Show going to talk about this topic? You'd think Kathy Lee would have caught on by now. But seriously, how funny was that comment she made to Tori about her family??

[Jen]

No, she won't learn. But, the President of the United States of America will give you a medal for trying. And you will be queen of the mommybloggers.

[Holly Strebel]

Oh, you were interviewed by Tori! I love her!!! Okay, yeah, so Kathy and Tori didn't really get much info or decent questions in there at all, but whatev YOU WERE ON THE TODAY SHOW! Sweeeeeet!

[no plot]

I have long since stopped watching morning shows because no one really has enough time to say anything of substance, especially when they cram more than one guest on at a time. Except what you said was profound and lovely, of course. :-) Your hair actually looks something like mine did on my wedding day, which does seem a bit much for that time of the day.

[Golden]

Aw, you did good, mama! And seriously though, the Today Show is a hard venue to try to have anything of substance come through as it is so fast paced, and superficial in a short amt of time. You managed to sum it up there with your one line, "Am I doing OK?" It's what it's all about right? Congratulations!

[Candice]

Great job - and you're so right about the HAIR (although it looked great - but I can't wait to see it styled your own way in your next Momversation).

How skinny is Tori in real life? She looks like a rail. I like her but sister needs a burger.

[jessica]

you were great, the hair wasn't terrible but i have the same cut and i know what you mean so there's nothing i can say to make you feel better except that you were funny and quick so you proved to not be the soccer mom that the hair stylist wanted you to be :)

[barbara]

I was agog watching the whole thing, and I especially enjoyed the part when you announced out that both Kathie Lee and Tori were the offspring of Oompa Loopmas and Lollipop fairies, which explained both their coloring and their oddly large heads.

I still don't know if Kathie Lee smells of moth balls and top shelf gin sweat, but still, truly, well done!

[Kymmi]

You were fantastic - if it were me, I wouldn't be able to keep the look of terror off of my face when Kathie Lee exploded at me. Tori, however, I would have kissed when she said "Shut it, Gifford" Love her.

[Kat]

Man, every single time Kathie Lee interviews a mommy blogger (and she's done so at least a few times now), she looks all panicky and mostly talks about how she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Awesome.

You were great, though. I just wish they'd let you talk more.

[Miss B]

"So, you're different from the other ladies, aren't you...?"

Am I the only one who really wanted to hear her say "Yes, Kathie Lee, because I have a penis!"

Probably I'm the only one who wanted to hear that.

(I see what you mean about The Hair -- but you always look lovely, and honestly this was no exception. And I mean that in an entirely non-creepy way.)

[kat]

yeah the hair was too "pta".

you still looked great though, and did a wonderful job.

[Elizabeth_K]

I'm always so glad that you are on the Today Show, but always irritated that it is Kathie Lee interviewing you. LADY, IF YOU KNOW NOTHING AND ARE NOT CURIOUS ABOUT THE TOPIC, step back and let someone else ask the questions!! But, you did look fabulous, big hair (not that big, really) and all.

[Mandy]

Loved the interview! Well spoken, and maybe you should have included, "If you get online, Kathy, just push that big red 'X' at the top right. Kathy, you have no business being online."
Heh heh.
Yes, and I too am a big fan of Tori Spelling. She should have done all the interviewing.

[Beth in SF]

I think KLG is still part of that generation of women that just played dumb to get out of doing stuff. I don't know why she puts herself down like that all the time.

And...is Tori ill or something? Good God.

[Stephanie]

I'll never understand why they keep having Kathie Lee interview mommy bloggers. I think she interviewed Dooce awhile back and she said the same thing about the power button. Lady doesn't know what a computer is, I think she's a bad choice for an interviewer. But, you were great! And way to jump in when you could. I was cheering for you.

[Renee]

Great Job!

[Laurie]

You were great. KLG is a turd.

And honestly, it feels sort of insulting that they would continue to allow her to interview people on this topic. She clearly has no interest or understanding, and no interest in researching or learning, so what's the point of continuing to put her up there?

[Alicia]

I once had to chair a session at a conference, so I took a Xanax about 30 minutes before. Right before the session started, I didn't feel like it had hit me, so I took another. I was lucky to be able to walk out when it was over. My husband said I kept starting sentences and then just trailing off and staring. Sweet!

I like that K & T think mommy bloggers are giving parenting "advice." Heh.

You did great!

[Jennifer txmomof3]

I haven't even watched the video yet but I can tell you this entry was one of your funniest. Damn funny. I love it.
Keep up the good work,
Jennifer

[Angie]

Wow. Does anyone else think that Tori is starting to look like the Muppet Janice?

[Meegan]

You were great. The hair? Meh. But at least your head fits your body, and your body isn't orange. So you have that going for you! Is Kathie Lee drunk all the time? Seriously. Or does she have some sort of mental deficiency. I mean, it's odd how successful (I really should have put quotes around that word...) she is, what with her being such a grating idiot.

Also, I'd be pissed if I was Melissa. What the hell?

Last words. You were great. Yay! Alice!

[Sue M.]

But can we talk about hair color? Because yours looks totally fab!

Tori and Kathie Lee are scaring me.

[Cincy]

Well, at least Tori appreciates the existence of online communities...Kathie Lee just appreciates Kathie Lee. I was out to breakfast with my husband when you magically appeared on the TV and I let out a little squee! Thankfully you linked to it later so I could appreciate it in all it's glory. Obvious question--why not have that girl who's online all the time on the show, interview you guys? She apparently is familiar with a computer. I was amazed that Tori is, too! All in all, you did great and hey! You survived!

[janny226]

So glad it was Tori and not that regular "handler" that they have for KLG, she's as bad as Kathie Lee is. (Or did they get rid of her and I just never watch?) Tori made it tolerable, as of course did you and the other bloggers! I feel so dirty being a "mommyblogger" now that I've heard KLG say that word. Ew. Let's rename this genre pronto.

Anyway, though, the hair looked fine. What did you expect when you wrote that contract rider that you had to be a foot taller than the people on either side of you? (joke, it's a joke)

[tuesy]

I never thought I would say thank goodness for Tori Spelling, but man, she really kept that interview from becoming another Today Show mommyblogger disaster. It felt like Kathie Lee was trying to steer the interview into a "moms that blog are so weird" thing (maybe just because she's clueless), but Tori really kept it positive by saying that she is constantly online for parenting advice or support.

[Em]

First, I felt like you gave me a shout out because I totally contributed to the post you mentioned (and, if I wasn't so modest, I would tell you I got an honorable mention for it in a subsequent post. I get very little glory in this life - give me this).

Second, how surreal was it to be interviewed by Donna Martin Graduates? I had a famous patient once and it was weird. It was not Angelina Jolie but imagine having the call light go off and hear the nurses complain "God, Angelina Jolie is SUCH a pain. I wish she would get her own damn water" and the like. I imagine it was surreal like that.

Also, you kicked ass being interviewed. Congrats on keeping your nipples wrangled and keeping the four letter words out. I'm very impressed.

[clo]

Why are you even on there? I mean you barely update your blog, and there's not a lot here. I also wonder the same thing when Melissa's been on there. Why, Why, why? I get why Cafe mom was on there and the other woman, but you? I kept noticing your enormous ass and teeth. That is all.

[Kristine - Mommy Needs Therapy]

You were awesome! I was so excited when I realized it was YOU! It was just happenstance I was even watching at that time, and there You Were!

As my son would say "you rocked the whole band out."

And yeah, KL's comment to Tori about her family was hysterical! I spit out my chai on that one.

[PB Rippey/sleepless mama]

I think Kathi Lee was on Xanax. Or if not, perhaps she should be? The Mommy Bloggers came across as very sane and grounded, I thought. What an experience!

[Nothing But Bonfires]

I love how Kathie Lee had the gall to say to YOU three "...whatever it is you do." Because, uh, remind me again, Kathie Lee, what exactly it is that...YOU do?

[Lisa]

Subjective feedback: I watched yesterday after being away from American television for over ten years and stand amazed at the way Tori and Kathie Lee looked and presented themselves. They don't even look human anymore, rather like extremely cheerful and slightly goofy Barbie dolls, and is anyone really that painfully thin?

Given this is what the American public wants from its morning hosts and if a person knew them in real life they probably wouldn't be like this at all, it just boggles. I personally wouldn't want anyone who looked or acted like that in my immediate vicinity. It's scary.

As for you ladies, the one on your right came off as charmingly bossy, the one on your left as nice but strangely silent, and you Alice - although you're right, that hair is wearing you and not the other way around - you appeared to be one of the most beautiful and easy to talk to Mommy Bloggers we've got going today. Very well done.

[samantha]

That was kind of like a hilarious parody of a morning talk show interview into which you had been inadvertently inserted. I kept waiting for the laugh track to play.

I can only imagine Kathie Lee talking to someone who wrote a book: "I must confess, I have never read a book! I don't even own one! I do not know how all those little pages work! Is it left to right or right to left? It is so confusing!! And what do those little black marks *mean*? I have no idea. So, congratulations on your little 'book' thing, whatever that is!"

[Swedish Pankakes]

I could barely breathe, it was going so fast . . .

[edj]

Haven't watched the clip yet (I'm overseas and things are S--L--O--W) but I adored this post! You crack me up! And congrats on being on TV. The only time I was on TV, it was MTV (Mauritanian TV) and I was just in a crowd. Guess I'm easily impressed, but still, terrif!

[Robin Nowak]

Alice, YOU need your own show. I mean it. And invite Tori--let's have an intervention to where we get her to EAT!!!

KLG is a pain. She was on Regis and KL and she is here. I cannot stand her and the fact she's still around alarms me. Really, who does she represent, really? And I LOVE Tori-I was breathless thinking T was going to throw down KLG RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE when she said "Shut it Gifford". Sigh.

You kicked butt girl. And I am proud of you for using your big girl words. NEXT time whip out the color. I'll have your back--I swear!!

[Bria]

You did GREAT!! :) I agree that it all seemed a bit confused...and boy, Kathie Lee and Tori sure like to talk! It was less of an interview and more of a blah-bitty-blah by those two. Oh well. Again, you were wonderful. (By the way, I noticed that KL only asked YOU how many kids you have...it almost seemed bitchy. Me no likey her)

[Lou]

Can I just say that I too am sick of 'interviews' where the 'interviewer(s)' talk 3x as much as the 'interviewee'. I have mostly stopped watching Oprah for this reason ... she never lets the darn guests talk ... especially the good ones. JMHO

Anywhoo ... you were great yesterday. You are the only one of the three that I 'know' ... so my focus was mostly on you. Yes, the hair was big but I quickly dismissed it as "that is NOT Alice hair".

Agree that KLG needs to shut up about her computer illeteracy already! And, Tori, who I actually kinda like, EAT SOMETHING.

[Elise]

Yeah, your own style is much better. They made you look like Susan Boyle and at least ten years older than you actually are.

[northerngurl]

I stayed on the treadmill extra time just so I wouldn't miss your segment (I was dying). I thought you did really well and looked great! I like Tori Spelling and KLG, but that show overall needs to give guests more time. Anyways, good job!

[Badger]

Well, I think you looked and sounded just lovely. But I am crossing my fingers that no one EVER teaches KLG how to use a computer, because there isn't enough Xanax in the WORLD to get us all through the horror of that woman discovering Twitter, I'm just saying.

[Erin]

I thought you came across as really lovely and not a bit harried. How'd you manage that? ;)

Question: How skeletal is Tori in real life? Because if the camera adds weight, I'm thinking she's no girthier than a broomstick.

[repliderium.com]

Kathie Lee still scares the shit outta me. Maybe I can borrow your Zanex?

[Dottie]

Excellent! You did your readers proud. Smart, grounded, and gorgeous.

[Erin]

Wow. Kathy Lee Gifford. I don't think I've ever seen her give an interview. Congratulations, Alice: You made that totally awkward interview graceful.

[herbette]

I had to watch this twice, because I couldn't actually believe what I saw. KLG should just be packed back up into her mothballs and sent back into the storage unit from whence she came. Generally, when people are interviewed there is a point- an effort for something to have been clarified- well all I saw clarified is that KLG is a complete boob. I have to say you ladies handled it with aplomb, but I would have been totally pissed to have taken the trouble to go down there, only to have been subjected to that idiot!

[stephanie]

Good lord, KLG couldn't have been more dismissive. She actually *rolled her eyes* as Tori was intro-ing the piece. Someone pull that woman off the air, she's useless.

[Catizhere]

Since you asked, I went to Clementon Park with the hubby & kids yesterday. We had a great time. A word of advice? Pay the $40 and rent the cabana. Awesome, I tell ya.

The three of you look great! The CafeMom lady reminds me of Catherine Zeta Jones....can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe the voice? The beautiful dark hair?
It was soooo fast! All that fretting & hand wringing for a minute on screen??

[jacqueline c]

I liked your answers, and I even liked the way Tori conducted herself—but Kathie Lee clearly doesn't get it. Her bias is extremely irritating and embarrassing. I also can't understand why they give everybody those crazy-uncomfy chairs to sit in!

[frannie]

The most surprising thing about that interview was that Tori Spelling actually came across as being really pleasant and somewhat knowledgeable about the issue at hand.