ATTENTION: I HAVE SOMETHING OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO COMMUNICATE

I do not understand perfume. I do not understand people who wear perfume.

If you are walking around right now enveloped in a cloud of manufactured scent, and I happen to smell you as I pass, I will think you might be a jerk.

I stress might. Look, I have relatives who wear way too much perfume (or cologne). Some of them I love. Some of them are jerks. Some of them are jerks whom I love. It's complicated.

I admit that I wouldn't be writing this if it weren't hot and humid out there. If I hadn't just been walking the dog, both of us staggering in the heat and humidity, gasping for air, only to twice get nosefuls of someone else's idea of a fantastical flower garden, or musky den of sexual transactions.

(I realize this comes shortly after I posted about how rarely I shower. ) (A habit which, I should mention, has changed since I started going to the gym so much.) (You really do have to shower when you've been Pushing it to the Max and the like.) (My point is, this is not an ongoing Campaign in Defense of Body Odors.)

I am not completely Anti-Scent. You want a scented lotion, you go right ahead. If you want to apply a scent to your pulse points such that you gift your smell only on those in your moist clutches, that's your prerogative. But when you are applying enough scent such that people not in your embrace are left smelling you after you've gone, that is wrong on so many levels.

I know someone who shrouds herself in her signature eau de toilette before going out, leaving everyone in her vicinity coughing and teary-eyed. "Oh, but it fades," she says. "That's why I have to put on so much." Ah. So. For an hour or two, you blind everyone in your vicinity. But at least after that you won't have to deal with the horror of faded scent. The shame! How could you stand it?

Not to mention, why would you douse yourself with odors right before going out? You realize that other people are making the same mistake, right? Did you know that the only thing worse than overly strong perfume is competing perfumes? Do you want your stink to overpower theirs, is that it? Is this some kind of domination thing?

Also, if you're reading this thinking, "I know! I hate those other people's scents –but MINE! Oh, mine is an exquisite commingling of basil and mint with notes of an animal-like rawness," you may be right. Most people might think you are an olfactory delight. But you're still probably grossing someone out.

In short, you may wear scent if you want, but please do not have a smell that other people have to smell whether they want to or not. That's just basic civility. I thank you.

Comments

[Kate]

AMEN AMEN AMEN!

On the bright side, the bees and mosquitoes attack those people instead.

[liz]

SING IT!!!

[Alicia]

I completely agree! The worst place for this problem is the movie theatre. People who are on dates and trying to impress their significant other have made me have to switch seats many times in a show. I have a sensitivity to scents and can get an instant headache from too strong a mint, let alone a body doused in perfume.

I actually have been having this problem with my brother-in-law's new girlfriend. She is too new to tell her, "your bath of perfume gives me a headache". For now, I just try to stand up wind.

[Jaydubs]

I have long maintained that the commingling of the scents of poop and perfume in women's restrooms is far worse than either alone. Ugh.

[Metalia]

Oh, I wear a (light) perfume, but I do totally get how perume--ANY perfume--can smell like Eau De Combination Nursing Home/Funeral Parlor/Downtown 1 Train In Late August to others. My crazed, ranty tweets this morning about baby powder scents were "inspired" by the woman on my subway car who seemingly doused herself in the shit. NOT COOL.

[Karla]

I think smell is like sight or hearing - some people's sniffer is just more sensitive than others. I've known people who were so acutely sensitive that even the slightest waft of damn near anything would set them off. Me, I can take cologne, but flowers - especially lilies - kill me. And microwave popcorn. Blech.

[Metalia]

Er, that would be PERFUME, not "perume." This is what I get for commenting from my phone. ;)

[Deidre]

AMEN SISTER. Once a guy hugged me and my shirt smelled so strongly of his cologne that someone asked me if I was wearing a scent. That just ain't right.

[SarahA]

Also, please do not spray it on the train. That's just rude.

[Treasurer, Campaign in Defense of Body Odors]

Well said! Also, may I send you some literature?

[Shnerfle]

Sing it, sister! Those perfume clouds make me gag. The worst is being locked in a moving vehicle with that relative that you love, but still feels the need to load up on the LizClaiborne. There is no polite way to say, "YOU ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY GIVING ME A HEADACHE AND MAKING ME NAUSEOUS WITH THAT STENCH YOU LOVE SO MUCH". There is also no discreet way to pull your shirt up over your nose as a filter. I've tried.

[Smalltown Mom]

Thank you thank you, amen and hallelujah! Sometimes it is just overwhelming.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

You know, it bothers me WAY more with men than with women, for some reason. Maybe there are more gross colognes in the world than gross perfumes? Maybe men are more heavy-handed? Maybe I'm not an equal opportunity perfume appreciator? I'm not sure.

[April]

Totally agree. There is a guy in our condo complex who puts so much cologne on that I can smell if he's been in the stairwell or garage within 5 minutes of me. Ridiculous. When I actually SEE him there it's an all-out onslaught.

And stupid as it may sound, this is why i was SO GLAD the girls in my sorority in school weren't allowed to wear perfume to big events like rush. 120 girls with all kinds of crazy scents was enough to drive me loony.

[Viv]

THANK YOU! There is no need to leave a vapor trail of ANY scent, for ANY reason.

This goes for men too!

Also? At the gym...countless times I've been happily treadmilling along when someone (man or woman) jumps on the machine next to me having just freshly doused themselves in scent. Which of course causes me to cough and sputter and fall off my treadmill and leave. I want to tell them YOU'RE AT THE GYM! NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO SMELL LIKE A SUPERMODEL HERE!

[Nicole]

So true. So true. And I am one who is afflicted with the super-sensitive nose. It is not a gift.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

It really is quite rude, IMO, to douse oneself with chemicals that may cause others to become ill. My dear old mama is super sensitive to fragrance and gets quite sick from them.

My latest pet peeve is when I let someone hold my baby and he comes back to me reeking of their perfume. YUCK!

[Susie]

I would love it you could print this off, laminate it, and then staple it to all the telephone poles and public bulletin boards in the country. You know, if you have some spare time after Pushing it to the Max.

[Megan Lynae]

Heh. The main reason I switched to perfume oils was because it was too hard to do a discreet amount with conventional spray perfume. And even when I thought I had done well, someone would comment that they really liked lilies. Since I switched to oils? Nothing. My wrists smell faintly of myrrh all day. And that's all. No one should smell you coming into or going out of a room. End of story.

[Grace]

I totally agree. When I worked in an office I would constantly be assaulted by those who wore WAY too much scent. I dreaded the times when I was stuck in an elevator with these folks.

[Kizz]

I just power walked half a block (in the NYC 90+ degrees and drinkable humidity) in order to pass a young man whose commitment to Mr. Hillfiger's signature blech was singing my nostrils. Just say no!

[Veronica]

I SO wholeheartedly agree. Perhaps if such peoples' noses were broken by a swift kick to the face (we won't say by whom) they would be in as much pain as the people who must smell them.

[Sarah]

The phrase "moist clutches" is making me laugh to the point of tears. Thank you for the much-needed laugh.

I've been sitting here for 5 minutes, thinking of the phrase "moist clutches" so see if it would lose its lustre. It hasn't yet.

Love and moist clutches to you,
Sarah

[Kate @ Savour Fare]

Well, I love my perfume, but I'm pretty sure that only I can smell it. Or people actually sniffing my neck. And if you're sniffing my neck you deserve whatever's coming to you.

But ITA on the perfume pollution. And do you know what else I hate? Strongly smelling deodorant (this is usually a men issue). Dude -- that stuff stinks.

[Melinda]

Amen sister! I HATE perfume. It is no coincidence that the word contains "fume" as in poisonous fumes. Yuck. Strong scents give me an instant headache much akin to a migraine. So if someone out there likes to douse themselves in some stench, please stay away or I may inflict upon them an equivalent headache to what they have given me.

[Ariel]

I love perfume. On me. Quietly- or the scent equivalent there of-
When I was pregnant I couldn't go into any store that had a perfume section, because the smells would make me puke.
The worst thing ever was I had tickets- GOOD tickets, 5th row, center, to Miss Saigon, one of my favorite musicals of ALL TIME and I sat directly in front of a man wearing an entire bottle of SKUNK JUICE. He smelled awful. And it ruined the performance for me.
I'd still like to shank that bastard.
Also, another gross thing- when you wear cologne to the gym and you sweat and you don't wipe down the machine and then I come along and sit down at the machine NOT REALIZING its drenched in your permafunk and then I smell like your nasty smell for the rest of my workout. GROSS. And inconsiderate. Shudder.

[Kirsten]

You are my new personal hero. Thank you.

[Jennifer L.]

The worst for me is when people in child care wear perfume, even just a little. Then my child comes home smelling like them! Eew! Bath time!!

[Kelly]

THANK YOU! Most perfumes make me sneeze, several give me a raging headache. Now as Jennifer L says my baby comes home from day smelling like cheap perfume. Hate it - but what do you do?

[lonek8]

yes yes yes!!! way back yonder when I was but a child and worked at the venerable Hampton Inn, a man came down for the breakfast bar (which was AT LEAST 35 ft away from the front desk her I was) and his cologne was so strong I thought it would knock me down. I seriously kept looking for a stenchy person hiding under the counter because I could not believe he could smell that strongly from that distance. My eyes were watering, and i spent the entire time he was in the lobby willing him not to have any questions for me so he wouldn't come any closer. bleck!

[Jenn]

Perfume doesn't fade, people think it does because their noses get used to it. Blech.

[AmyAnne]

My favorite is when I'm swimming laps at the gym and someone GETS IN THE POOL WITH THEIR SUFFOCATING CLOUD OF STINK. Every time I come up to breath I'm accosted by their chemical funk. Damn all the swimmers who feel compelled to wear perfume into the frickin' pool. Damn them.

[Somer]

I use perfume SPARINGLY because I get so angry when I am out and a wall of scent hits me like a brick to the face. I see it a lot with really young girls and older ladies. My mom, for instance soaks herself in Ciara and then soaks her hair in weird hair products that also have their own scents. It's a strong and gaggy smell. However, like some other commenters, I am most physically bothered by men who bathe in their body sprays. Someone should tell them that smelling like a medicine cabinet is not the only cure for man-stink.

[kate]

i could not agree more.

[Yolanda]

And what the HELL is up with those rank stores in the mall featuring half-nude, barely pubescent models, and a cologne stench so bad I have hold my nose even when I'm two stores away? I'm looking at you, Hollister.

[kaylen]

We had a no-perfume policy at the hospital I used to work at and I never understood why people were complaining.
I think that if someone has an issue with body odor, the smell of their body odor only sticks around for a tiny bit of time, whereas someone wearing a lot of perfume to cover up their body odor is actually doing much more damage to the senses.

I hate hate hate having to smell other peoples choice of perfume/cologne. I want to live in a perfume-free world.

[Erika]

YES!

But how, how, I wonder, could you write something like this and neglect the horrible, dreadful, awful (etc. ad NAUSEUM) invention which goes by the name patchouli?

Perfume gives me a headache. Patchouli makes me throw up. toss-up (heh) as to which is worse.

[Maggie]

I wear perfume daily, 2 sprays max at pulse points...and I VERY frequently get compliments on my "scent". Just goes to show me that my 1-2 pulse point dots are MORE than enough to last me for the day :)

[alphafemme]

also SOME people have ALLERGIES. if I pass someone walking around in a halo of perfume, I go into a sneezing fit.

[Anna Marie]

Amen, sister. My 93 year old grandmother wears so much perfume that I can smell the scent on my furniture DAYS after she has gone home. I can smell the scent from OUTSIDE the car she has been riding in. That is probably one reason I never wear perfume.

[cindy w]

OMG yes! And if I may also address the over-perfumed population of the world? My toddler has asthma. Every time we pass you in the mall/street/supermarket/what-have-you, I have to break out her inhaler. You suck.

[Ann]

I think I disagree -- people shouldn't wear strong scent if they will be seated in close proximity to others for an extended time, but otherwise, I think that we have to get used to the fact that we don't have a right to smell whatever we like whenever we like it. Life smells! And far fewer people have allergies to scent than claim to, in my opinion. Mostly, we wish to pretend we are ALONE at all times.

[Ann]

(edit: we don't have a right to smell OR NOT SMELL what we want, when we want it)

[Amanda]

Oh my goodness, I couldn't agree with you more. Only I disagree with the previous poster who stated that the worst place to encounter this phenomena is in a movie theater. I give you this: AN AIRPLANE. Yup. In front of me. TWICE.

[Ritamarie]

I am surprised that you are not offended by scented lotions. Some of them are so completely overwhelming - sickly, sweet. Ugh. They can be just as bad or worse than perfumes b/c they are slathered all over the body. Ick, ick, ick.

[Bobbi Janay]

I agree.

[Girl Friday]

I think perfume is sort of an advance personality warning system. You can tell a lot about a person from the sent they chose and how much they feel necessary to slather on. Sure, some are pretty offensive but so are people's clothes and hairstyles and speaking voices and grammer and manners. I guess what I'm saying is why bother to be bothered when there is SO MUCH to be bothered about?

[madge]

Alice: Don't ever step foot in an Abercrombie & Fitch store. Or walk by, for that matter. They pump fragrance out at you. It's so bad that you end up smelling like A&F for hours after just walking past the open doors.

I read a blog quote once that said after spending time in A&F the write felt like, "the unwitting participant in a boy-band gang bang." So, you know, STAY AWAY.

[jessemgray@hotmail.com]

I also hate men who drench themselves in chemically badness. My last boyfriend used to wear something (I don't know what) that smelled, well, just like every other gross men's scent, but had the added benefit of numbing my lips whenever I would kiss his neck-area. Yuck! Once he stopped wearing it, per my request, he smelled so much lovelier. Like a person. And pheromones. Which is waaay more sexy, even with a bit of (gasp!) B.O. thrown in the mix.

The worst place I've ever been as far as gagging misty clouds of manufactured smell was southern Spain. The toilet paper was pink. And scented. The yogurt was artificially flavored. Riding the escalator in the mall was like rising through cloud after cloud of the intermingling, breath-taking offal from an abattoir-cum-glade plug-in factory. Blech!

Also bad? Axe body spray. Lush cosmetic stores (especially kiosk ones like in airports).

Alright, time to stop.

[Traci]

Ann, consider yourself lucky that you're not affected, but the allergy thing is real.