Has it been that long?

Hello I am here! My name is Alice! CAN YOU HEAR ME!

Wait, let me try that again. Hello! This is a blog! Wait. That’s not good at all. HELLO WHAT IS YOUR NAME ARE YOU FRIEND?! No, no, I’m coming on too strong. Sorry. Wow. Greetings, I am here writing you for having long-time not written… is strange! Yes is!

There you go. Much better.

Sorry about that. I’m a little out of practice. It turns out I have to post more frequently, or several terrible things happen: 1) I forget how to come up with ideas; 2) everyone gets mad at me, but secretly, in their heads, so I have to imagine it; 3) Earth’s orbit goes just the tiniest bit awry, and we are set on an immutable trajectory that will eventually hurl us straight into the sun. I apologize for that last part. I didn’t know my own power. I should have guessed, of course. Apologies all around.

So I went to the Broad Summit the weekend before last, and it took me almost this long to recover. I was terribly fatigued, and had an attack of the nerves. A few drops of laudanum in my chamomile tisane managed to soothe me, but a longer rest cure than usual was prescribed. And now these linen straps are holding me fast to the bedposts, making it rather difficult to write! Oh, why won’t the doctor answer my bell?

Seriously, it was an incredible weekend, and apparently I am now a wrecked and aged woman who can’t handle air travel. Or maybe it’s regular life I can’t handle, and the return to reality is what caused my neurasthenia. Either way, I am now returned to my normally vigorous self. Huzzah!

Let’s change the subject now and talk about something cheerful, like miscarriage. We finally tackled the topic over at Momversation, and I am just grateful that the editors edited out my bizarre behavior, because in addition to being an old woman, I am a child who cannot discuss anything painful without interjecting jokes and weird inappropriate laughter. I believe I began my video with a fart joke. I’m not even kidding.

It felt strange to talk about my miscarriage so long after the fact, and the crabby guilt-laden Catholic inside me is whinnying, Why are you still thinking about that? Move on! Worry about the poor and the lame! And also the blind! Jesus died for your sins, missy! But then the rest of me is all, I’m sure you have a point, Sister Teresa of the Bleeding Ramekin, but put a damn sock in it. So there.

Comments

[Milla]

every time you blog i get a tingly sensation. it makes me feel like dancing. thank you. really.

[Susan]

Since I carry the guilt of causing my miscarriages (and World War II, and Global Warming), I think it only logical that I also take complete credit for how amazingly perfect the one child who did make it turned out. That's fair, right?

[Shannon]

Hi Alice! Welcome back, and we missed you! After I leave this comment I'll be clicking on the momversation link to watch, but first I wanted to share with you that I was a fairly new Finslippy reader when you suffered your miscarriage and I remember feeling so, so terrible for you when I read your raw, emotional posts. My heart ached for you back then and I'm glad you were able to find your way back, so to speak.

[Elizabeth_K]

I'm about to (LORD I HOPE) deliver my second and my miscarriage was BEFORE my first and I still think about her/him at least weekly, if not daily.

[calamityshana]

I just started flirting with a blog, and I generally suck at twitter, so thank you for your lapse in posting, it makes me feel better about myself. I very much enjoy you, and Henry. Happy Fall!

[Kendra Riemermann]

I always look forward to your posts, but I mostly survive the dry spells, and I'm sure the earth will right itself shortly.

I haven't watched the video yet, but I am interested to see other people's thoughts. There really is so much guilt that comes with miscarriage--guilt over our responsibility for it, guilt over taking time out to grieve, guilt for "still talking about it," or for having moved on "too quickly." It wasn't until I experienced it myself that I had any idea how common it was, and I wondered why no one had ever talked about it when I was a kid. I think there was one friend of my mom's who had suffered a miscarriage, but it was only talked about once or twice, in very hushed tones. I am so grateful to all the people who talk about it openly and let everyone know that it happens, it's nothing you should keep a shameful secret, and you are not alone.

[Quinn Cummings]

First, thank you for blogging; we who had been hanging out here waiting had started eyeing one another meanly. Second, what you have is hysteria, tinged with dropsy. And possibly a wandering uterus. Laudanum is good for all three, but also ask your doctor about this new coca-leaf infusion I've been hearing about. Third, if there's a sell-by date on grieving, let us all know. I still grieve for my dad who died when I was nine.

[joaaanna]

I have not experienced a miscarriage. This past Saturday my period arrived, when I was sure, I WAS SURE, this time it might be our time. And, it wasn't. It unfortunately came the day that my husband and I were headed to his niece's funeral (24, suicide) and we are hoping that we can adopt her son. All of that combined - made it horrible. But then I talked to his other niece and discovered that she has gone through seven miscarriages. Seven. She has two beautiful children and I cannot begin to experience her pain. I'm glad that I finally know her and hope that I am someone she can talk to, even though I don't know it personally. My greatest fear is that if I ever DO become pregnant - that I will miscarry. Thanks for talking about it so candidly and making it 'ok' to talk about. I am so, so sorry for your loss Alice. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.

[Dee]

Thank you so much for speaking for so many. I had a loss last year at 10 weeks also, and the circumstances left me totally mute: I was 44, but had used donor eggs. I couldn't stand telling people because their "consolation" invariably included a reference to the genetic flaw the baby would have had. I couldn't say "NO, ASSHOLE, WE DID THE TESTING AND IT WASN'T MY DNA ANYHOW," so I just kept it quiet. Maybe someday we'll all find the words. I am sorry for your loss, awed at your courage, and aware of the brilliant cutting in the video. Thank you again for opening this conversation up.

[Steph.]

So glad you are back--I'm not a regular commenter but I have always loved your wit and writing style. I switched blog URLS and I've gone through a blog break myself and am now trying to rebuild things. I'm happy to have writing back in my life, but you're right...the longer you stay away from it, the more you self-edit yourself out of posts.

Thanks for sharing about your loss and I'm sorry that you experienced that. Your honesty will really help women who are also suffering through miscarriage know that they are not alone.

[Robin Nowak]

ALICE IS BAAAACK!!!! THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE!!! The sun has miraculously come back out, the grass is greener and the sky, oh the sky is a lovely shade of azure.... ahhhhhhh.

Thanks for coming back to us. I too began reading your blog shortly before your miscarriage and wished I was a close and personal friend. I would have come over with beer, tissues, and hugs to help you through it.

So very glad you are back!!

[Summer]

I was starting to wonder why the world was going all awry. Is that how you spell it? Awry? See, now I can't spell....DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?!?

I've missed you so, but our tweets have kept me somewhat sane.

Never knew you had a miscarriage....how sad that someone as lovely as you had that kind of loss. Life can so not be fair.

First you stop posting and then you come back with this news...

I. Must. Go. Eat. Chocolate.

[Summer]

That comment sounded much better in my head. And then I reread it, and mmmmm, maybe not so much.

Love me.

[Kari]

You had me at "Hello"...Seriously.(don't worry, i'm just your uber creepy blog stalker).

[Jen]

Alice, if you wake up and find yourself in a room with a smooch mark a bit lower than halfway up the wall, get out fast. That bitch behind the wallpaper, she'll try to get you in there with her.

[Elsa]

2) everyone gets mad at me, but secretly, in their heads, so I have to imagine it

Oh sweet slippery whatnot, this hilarious piece of funny knocked me sideways, because I do this. I imagine the ways in which people are angry with me for no good reason, I observe that they do not appear to be angry, and I decide that they are angry in secret.

And it never occurred to me that:
a) that's pretty unlikely behavior for even one person in my life;
b) the odds of everyone I know independently keeping secret grudges are vanishingly unlikely;
c) if they are, then fuck 'em.

So. Thanks for that.

[Erika]

Having just suffered an extremely early on miscarriage last week, I will probably not watch the video, but I'm not sure you ever do get over it. I will think I'm ok and then bam! it's in your face again and the wave of sadness washes over.

[Sarah]

"Sister Theresa of the Bleeding Ramekin?" That is fantastic, and I will be laughing all day because of that one.

Thank you for giving me something to share the next time me and my (now adult and very much lapsed Catholic) siblings endure a session at church. (No matter how old we get, we still play the time honored game of trying to make each other laugh inappropriately while in church.

[Kelly]

Hi -- Love your blog and your humor. Thanks for the post and the topic. I had a miscarriage ten months ago and it has left me worried that I will never have a child. Whenever I see the topic or find out that yet another one of my friends is pregnant (which seems to happen every other day right now), it is like getting punched in the gut. I'm happy for them, but sad for myself all over again. Thanks again.

[Zoë]

Thank you for bringing this into the open. It is such a tragedy that so many women go through this. Pregnancy should be a joyful experience, with a happy outcome, instead of fraught with worry, tears and loss. I had an early miscarriage at 5w 5d just 5 weeks ago, and I think about it all the time. I haven't cried since the day it happened, but I am constantly thinking about what might have been. I have no problems talking about what happened, but I think others do. I am so grateful that I have two happy and crazy kids. If this had been my first pregnancy, I would have lost it.

On a happier note, I selfishly want to see you post more often. I am often sharing your posts with my husband, especially as I see a lot of my 5 year old son's future in the form of Henry who is fabulous (as if you didn't already know).

[amy]

thanks! we miss you when yr away - watching ya now! love momversation!

[Deanna]

Wow! Tisane? I had to look that up. Well played!

[Belle]

It's okay I tend to giggle at funerals or whenever I'm told sad news... it's completely involuntary. I'm sorry you had to go through such a loss, but I think it says a lot that you can make a fart joke about it. :)

[rachel]

Welcome Back. Great post. We know a woman who truly blamed her miscarriage on, of all things, "lack of knowledge of the BIBLE." I have never heard of anything so ridiculous in my entire life. I was certain that she was kidding, but nope, just crazy.

[Franca Bollo]

I had to look up neurasthenia and found this at the bottom of the definition, "Americans were supposed to be particularly prone to neurasthenia, which resulted in the nickname 'Americanitis'". Ha!

Your mental Catholic tormentor is Sister Teresa of the Bleeding Ramekin? Mine is Sister Dennis of the Dutch Oven. Not really but I had Catechism teacher whose name was Sister Dennis. One of the less shame-inducing nuns.

[Ally]

I had a miscarriage just last month. My first pregnancy. Or rather, a "failed pregnancy," as they called it. My body still thought I was 9.5 weeks along, but the ultrasound showed that the embryo had stopped growing at around week 5. I didn't have many people to talk to about this, and the recovery from the D and C was horrible. But I remembered that both you and dooce had gone through this horrible experience, and I went and re-read your blogs from that time. I didn't feel so alone then. Thank you.

[Laura Royster]

Seriously, Alice. It's like a tiny present from the universe when you post.
You did a beautiful job with the miscarriage video. Even if you were spazzy and they edited it out. We are who we are. And you're a gem!

[evelyn]

miscarriage is an unbelievably aweful experience, but it really is sad that people seem to push it under the rug and avoid discussing it. it's so important for women who've been through such loss to feel support, especially from the many other women who have had to endure the same vulnerable and shocking experience. so bravo, momverstation!!!

[maggie may]

I'm glad that you talked about it, it helps me. I lost my baby at 13 weeks in June.

[Kathleen]

Gem. I second that.
Your candor and 'tude make it a distinct pleasure to discover there is a new post.
And to read that you sometimes think people are secretly mad at you? Huge relief.
Thanks for sharing about the miscarriage. I still can't talk about mine without a self-dismissive joke... we all have our ways.

[Rachel]

I've missed reading your blog so I'm glad you're back posting again :)

That Momversation topic is a tough one. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and I just took a pregnancy test last night, which was positive. I think the biggest thing for me is the fear that something is going to go wrong. That fear never goes away and for someone who's lived through a miscarriage it is palpable... because we KNOW things go wrong. We've lived it.

[Cat]

October 3, 2008 was my 11-week ultrasound which revealed there was no longer a fetal pole, but because my body hadn't realized yet, I hadn't miscarried. I had a D&C three days later so I didn't have to wait indefinitely for my uterus to get with the program. Watching this momversation, I was barely able to hold back the tears (that's what I get for work-surfing!), and find it simultaneously horrifying and comforting that so many other women know how I feel.

[repliderium.com]

I also find myself being completely ridiculous in situations like that. I believe that Inappropriate is my middle name. They just shortened it to Michelle for convenience.
I have never had a miscarriage but I have experienced a miscarriage of justice but I do not think that gives me the appropriate knowledge to comment.
Welcome back.

[Lisa]

Alice, welcome back. What timing. I just had a miscarriage Monday night. I was 10 weeks. Still figuring out the aftermath. I find myself just wanting to be away from everything, let time stop, but it won't. I have other kids to take care of, and while they bring some comfort, I just want to stop being needed 24 hours a day, which also brings guilt. Not to mention the feelings of condemnation for being sad in the first place (well, it's not like you don't have kids already...). Thanks for sharing. At least I know I'm not alone.

[Jennifer Oursler]

I'm really glad you're talking about this. I thought of you often around the anniversary of your miscarriage and wanted to e-mail or comment...just to let you know that I remembered, but I just didn't know what was okay to do. I'm a complete stranger and I didn't feel that my being a loyal reader gave me the right to potentially cause you more pain by bringing up something that you mentioning. Just know that many of us are supporting you and are aware of your loss.

[nika]

Miscarriage is such a huge topic that really needs to be talked about - thank you so much for bringing it up and contributing.

when I was in college, one of my friends was a non-traditional student (in her mid-thirties). one day over lunch in the student lounge, she showed me some poetry she had written for an english class, and one of them was about miscarriage; I then found out that she had had thirteen miscarriages. Even thinking about it now makes my throat close up and my eyes all sting-ey - I can't begin to comprehend that pain. All I could do was sob that I was sorry, so sorry - and I couldn't stop crying. Thirteen. God.

[Sarah]

I miscarried in 2002 at 10 weeks, first pregnancy. I still think about it often but rarely talk about it for fear of being thought ridiculous for not having just gotten over it already. I have two children now and the sharp pain is gone, but I still miss the first. I found out about my second pregnancy on my first due date, that was hard.

[Katie]

I missed you! But I try not to harangue.

Yup, I posted at the time, but I'm sorry again, Alice. I had the same story at aroudn the 11th week. We had an early ultrasound previously and saw the heartbeat, and although it seemed like my mild symptoms had been fading and I am neurotic, I was able to tell myself that it was just because I was nearing the end of the first tri. For the first several days I would burst into tears whenever I remembered my doctor's reaction the minute she could see anything. And I couldn't get that reaction to stop playing. She was wonderful, though, and reminded us that Christmas was a week away and maybe a d&c would be a good idea since it would be nice not to be miscarrying under the Christmas tree.

That d&c instructed me on the fact that all women in the medical profession (at least the ones there that day) had had at least one, cause they all told me so. When I told my doc this at the followup, she said, she had too. Sigh. Happily, I'm writing this on my 2-year-old's birthday. I remember around when it was that we found out, but not the exact date--but I still remember my due date exactly.

[Ashley]

I agree with dooce that people who don't feel bad for you for having had a miscarriage have never had one and don't know what they're talking about. I've never had a miscarriage, and I feel bad that I don't understand at all. I guess I've just lucked out so far and its something you can only understand if you've experienced it. I wish somebody could analogize it to something that I understand. I DO understand how horrible it would be to have your baby die (as I have a 1 year old and am the typical worrywart mom that something will happen to hiim) and am morbidly obsessed with reading mommyblogs of mother's who's babies have died. But there seem to be no blogs commemorating miscarriages.

[sac]

The word "momsversation" is making me hate moms, and I don't want to hate moms. Why does it exist?

[Sarah]

wow .. your son is 7! cool...

My son is 8 .. and would have had two siblings almost 6 and 2 if it had not been for my m/c's. I think that is what makes them the most painfull - thinking about the life that will be .. of course that is, but also the future of that child. Everytime I look a my nephew (who is almost 6) I see what 'could' have been my child. And how my son would interact with him/her.
It's devastating, and of course the worst when you are emersed in it, but I often often think of what could have been and perhaps what should have been. And then I think like one of your commenters. I like to think I did it so exceptionally the first time, that nothing could compare with the special child I have right now. I feel so blessed and so lucky to be a mom and experience all the things moms of 1, or 3 or 19 do.
Henry is so lucky to have an amazing mom like you. Never ever forget that. And I know we will all never forget our angels either. They just had a different plan

[Kat]

I've had two miscarriages. One when I was nineteen and not in any way ready to deal with having a baby. I didn't even know I was pregnant, but when it happened, I felt the most horrific guilt.

The second time I was twenty-two, and was absolutely certain I was pregnant. Took seven or eight pregnancy tests that all came up negative, and then had a miscarriage the next day.

I'm now twenty-eight, and the really major blow for me has been this disbelief that I can have kids. Like, "There's a reason why this happened twice, and it's because clearly you would be a bad mother." or that my body just can't do it. For years after the second miscarriage, though I wasn't even looking to have a baby, I thought I didn't want to, and only now am coming to this realization that maybe that's not true. That maybe I just convinced myself I didn't want to have kids because I don't want to lose them.

It's a really bizarre thing, losing something you didn't know you had or wanted.

[PB Rippey/sleepless mama]

Wow. I'm wrecked from a "simple" trip to Target and back or if I stay up past 10pm or if instead of napping I weed (stupid, stupid!), or from the stress of trying to hide vegetables in his food each day, or if I think about the Halloween party I'm throwing (why, why???), then birthday party, then TG, then Xmas partypartyparty. A plane trip? Gah! You're SuperMomma. As always, looking forward to your next post.

[BOSSY]

Do saints where socks? Hmm.

[Jessica]

Yea! For your return. Glad you're doing well.

[kaylen]

Welcome back!
And oy---the catholic guilt. It's so sad that you have to feel guilty for your feelings--they are YOURS, you can own them and hold them and never let them go. It would be hard to comprehend your feelings on your miscarriage---everyone has their own way of handling things, of accepting, of cherishing, of mourning, of loving, of heartache, etc....your feelings are your own and noone should fault you for them. My heart aches for your loss.

[Shauna]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm not sure what else to say, just wanted to say I'm sorry.

[melissa]

You do have to write more because you are a great inspiration to me and I am sure many others. I look forward to reading your perspective and postings.

[JAS]

Welcome back! I am glad to see you ... always enjoy reading your posts! Also glad the Earth will continue to rotate properly on its axis. So thanks for that.

Oy. Miscarriage. I am so sorry. I can relate to the inappropriate laughing and jokes. I sent out an email to my family announcing I had a brain tumor and ended it with a Dr. banging the nurse knock-knock joke. Not even kidding. Painful = painful humor for me. So I get it.

Stay strong, lady, and looking forward to reading your good news!

[Amie]

i think you sounded perfect on the momversation.